The Love/Anger Acid Test

“I don’t know about you,” my friend Lily was saying, “But it’s so hard for me to feel love toward someone I’m angry with – and to be angry at someone I love.”

Lily had just slunk in for a cup of coffee after another tiff with her teenage daughter. She was struggling with the Love/Anger Acid Test. “If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with,” goes the Crosby Stills Nash classic. But a tougher spin is: Love the one you’re mad at, honey.

“I’m willing to look at myself this time,” Lily said. “I’m willing to try to change the way I’m reacting.”

She admitted that she came to the argument with her old, worn back story: “my daughter is acting like a teenager. Again.” Savannah was mad and that made Lily mad, too.

We talked about Dr. Phil saying that past behavior predicts future behavior unless someone decides to change. And Lily wanted to change. She didn’t want another argument just like the one before, and the one before that. ESPECIALLY the day before Mother’s Day. This time, she thought of the words she paraphrased from the St. Francis prayer, asking for help to understand rather than to be understood. Lily prayed to understand her daughter who’s filled with roiling emotions.  I’ve been through this, too, she said. I know what it’s like. I’ve been there.

This idea helped her put a space between her knee-jerk reaction and her response. That tiniest of pauses – those deep breaths – helped her push aside her automatic anger. Lily was able to detach from her own feelings – and focus on understanding her daughter. She was able to reach out to her daughter with understanding . They talked and cried and worked things out. They’ll probably — no, definitely, have new tiffs down the road. But Lily said she able to open her heart enough to feel both the anger and the love.

What about you? Is it easy for you to express anger? And when you’re angry, is it easy for you to feel the love?

“Past behavior predicts future behavior unless someone decides to change.” Dr. Phil

About dianabletter

Diana Bletter is the author of several books, including The Invisible Thread: A Portrait of Jewish American Women (with photographs by Lori Grinker), shortlisted for a National Jewish Book Award. Her novel, A Remarkable Kindness, (HarperCollins) was published in 2015. She is the First Prize Winner of Moment Magazine's 2019 Fiction Contest. Her work has appeared in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Commentary, tabletmag, Glamour, The Forward, The North American Review, Times of Israel, and is a reporter for Israel21C, and many other publications. She is author of Big Up Yourself: It's About Time You Like Being You and The Mom Who Took off On Her Motorcycle, a memoir of her 10,000-mile motorcycle trip to Alaska and back to New York. She lives in a small beach village in Western Galilee, Israel, with her husband and family. She is a member of the local hevra kadisha, the burial circle, and a Muslim-Jewish-Christian-Druze women's group in the nearby town of Akko. And, she likes snowboarding and climbing trees.
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5 Responses to The Love/Anger Acid Test

  1. Pingback: Why jobless person react with anger? - My Life Book

  2. stuartart says:

    Great discussion about anger and love. I believe that anger is all fear based, ie: we may be afraid how people think of us, or afraid we’re going to be late, or afraid we’re being weak etc. When we get angry about something and apply this thought we get an opportunity to understand what our fear is in that situation. It always helps me work my way through.

    • dianabletter says:

      Hi Stuart, that is a good point about looking at the underlying fear behind our reactions. Thank you for sharing – I hope to write about it soon again.
      Keep up the good insights!

  3. Pingback: The Law is Love « Faint Flowers

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