Knock Knock. Who’s There?

Posted on April 1, 2012 by dianabletter

Knock knock. Who’s there? Banana. Knock knock. Who’s there? Banana. Knock knock? Who’s there? Orange. Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

Kids love knock knock jokes. They can teach us something, too. How often do we hear the knock on the door and expect people to be different than they usually are?

I was talking to one of my daughters about her friend – I’ll call him Chuck – who is always late. My daughter says that she makes plans with Chuck for 7 o’clock and he shows up at 8. He says he’s sorry and then can’t understand why my daughter gets so upset. She said that when she has tried to explain to him that he’s not being considerate – and she would never do that to him – and he listens and nods and yet…he does the same thing all over again.

She’s waiting for Chuck to act like Bill or Annie or Louise. In other words, she doesn’t want Chuck to act like Chuck. She gets upset because she said, “I keep telling him that it’s wrong and he doesn’t change.”

“We can’t expect other people to change just because we want them to,” I said.

All we can do is take care of ourselves. We can remember that we have options. We can make a plan with Chuck, let’s say, for 7 o’clock and then decided that if he doesn’t show up by 7:15, we can leave and do something else. We can have a Plan A – Chuck – and a Plan B – Bill, Annie or Louise or whoever we want. We can have a back-up plan. We can take care of ourselves by not expecting a banana to be an orange.

One way to make the next chapter of our lives even better is by only looking to change ourselves — which is tough enough, as I talked about in “I’m the Kind of Person Who…” Once we remember that, then we can make plans and not get upset if they fall through. We can make sure we have fun with or without the other person. Relationships get easier and less tense because we’re not trying so hard.

Do you have an orange in your life that you keep hoping will show up at your door as a banana? What strategies do you use to take care of yourself?

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Who’s Living Rent-Free In Your Head?

Posted on March 30, 2012 by dianabletter

I was talking to a friend of mine in his pet store the other day. Sam has a fish tank with the most exotic tropical fish. Those fish as beautiful as you could imagine, with flashing purples, neon blues and golds, all of them lit up more brightly than the lights in Times Square. Staring into the fish tank, I said to him, “Wow, those fish get to live so peacefully in all that silence.”

“Who’s living rent-free in your head?” Sam asked me with a laugh.

I turned to him. “I always have a committee of voices in my head telling me what I’m doing wrong and what I should be doing better,” I said. “Don’t you?”

“I used to have that committee but I fired them,” he said.

“How did you do that?” I asked.

“Well,” he began, “let’s say that every morning, you get a phone call from some guy – a complete stranger – who says, ‘You’re stupid! You’re ugly!’” Sam began. “You’d hang up on him, right? Well, hang up on those voices. Don’t listen to them!”

He was right, of course. Why do we listen to those negative voices in our heads? Why do we give them power?

This is what Peace Pilgrim (and more about her in later posts) meant when she said, “If you realized how powerful your thoughts are you would never think a negative thought. They can be a powerful influence for good when they’re on the positive side, and they can and do make you physically ill when they’re on the negative side.”

Those voices are negative chatter. They are not speaking the truth. We don’t have to listen to them. Like Sam, we can learn to hang up. We can replace them with voices that tell us, “Your best is good enough! You’re doing the best you can!” And then we can listen to the calm stillness, the cascading water, a beautiful sonata.

What voices do you listen to? Who speaks to you in the privacy of your own mind?

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To Be More You, Be Less You

Posted on March 28, 2012 by dianabletter

In our everyday lives, we often do things just because we’ve always done them. After writing yesterday’s post, I tried to come up with my own list of “I’m the kind of person who___(Fill in the blank).” I came up with “I’m the kind of person who…hates standing in line” just as I was standing in a long line at the supermarket.

The thought jarred me and brought me to a new level of understanding. What if I tried to be the exact opposite kind of person? What if I tried to be the kind of person who could stand in a long line and relax and simply…be? What if I tried being less me to be more me?

I decided to do a very simple – but life-changing – experiment. I stood next to my shopping cart loaded with goodies ranging from potato chips that my husband loves to yogurt for one of my daughters to Medjool dates for everyone. Instead of getting annoyed by the shopper in front of me who was arguing with the cashier about the price of the orange peppers, instead of focusing on how there are never enough supermarket cashiers, and then wondering how come women always end up being the supermarket cashiers, and then feeling bad about how many low-paying jobs there are and how people can barely pay the rent, and finally, feeling really disgruntled because I had about 87 other things I could be doing if I wasn’t wasting my time standing in line, I thought this: I can turn what I might have seen as wasted time into worthwhile time. I can use this moment as a lesson. I can teach myself a new way to be me. I can start a new chapter of my life right now.

And instead of reaching for a gossip magazine to leaf through – what I call junk food for the brain – I closed my eyes and breathed deep. I gently reminded myself to stay in the moment and to experience what it might feel like to be the kind of person who doesn’t waste a moment being impatient, harassed and hurried. I can be the kind of person who can stand calmly and be in this moment of life and fully appreciate being alive.

It might have lasted only a few minutes but it worked. Like Madame Curie finally discovering something crucial in one of her experiments, I discovered something crucial in my own experiment in living my life. I don’t necessarily have to be the kind of person I’ve always been. Just because I’ve always done something one way shouldn’t prevent me from trying something different.

To me, living life to the fullest means being the best me I can possibly be. And that means not doing things out of habit. I want to take a look at my assumptions about myself and then decide if they still suit me. Remember how Goldilocks sits in different chairs at the bears’ house? I want to experiment with different ways of being me. If I’m the kind of person who is impatient, I’ll try practicing being patient. If I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like to wait on line, I’ll practice waiting on line. If I’m the kind of person who drives through a yellow light (yes, I confess), today I’ll try something different and stop—as an experiment.

Are you the kind of person who never comments on a blog? Just for today, comment on a blog and let me know the ways in which you tried something different!

Oh, for those of you who missed it yesterday, you can still read my article about how Israeli soldiers are trying to change people’s perceptions of them — one penpal at a time. http://www.tabletmag.com/jewish-news-and-politics/95180/idf-vets-fight-for-better-p-r/

Posted in Be Less You To Be More You, How to Change Your Life, Thought For The Day | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’m The Kind Of Person Who_________ (Fill In The Blank)

Posted on March 27, 2012 by dianabletter

I was reading Seth Godin’s marketing blog a few days ago and he wrote about a rich woman who walked into a store and bought a $3,000 ski jacket. Why? Just because that’s what she does. She’s the kind of person who walks into a store and buys a pricy ski jacket.

In our lives, we often do things just because that’s the way we’ve always done them. Think about this sentence and fill in the blank: I’m the kind of person who….Or, I’m the kind of person who doesn’t…For starters, I’m the kind of person who doesn’t write a blog – and yet, here I am. Why?

Because if you want to change your life, then change your life.

It’s that simple. I have to take one positive step away from who I always am. I have to be willing to take a risk, and slip out of my comfort zone. By doing something new and different, I become someone new and different.

I’m learning how to be the best me I can be. And what’s surprising is this: To become more me, I have to be less me.

It’s tough to break out of old patterns. Off the top of my head, I’m thinking of Jack Nicholson’s character in “As Good As It Gets” when he says, “You make me want to be a better man.” An exaggerated example, but it illustrates how difficult it is for us to change ourselves. For example, I spend way too much time standing in front of the toilet paper display in the supermarket aisle trying to figure it all out. Do I want strong or soft? Long or thick? Or recycled and scratchy? You see, I’m the kind of person who’s indecisive. Why? Because I’m a perfectionist, so I want every little decision to be perfect. But what if I try something completely different? What if I try being spontaneous and decisive? What if I give myself permission to zip down the supermarket aisle and reach for a package of toilet paper without over-thinking it?

Just for today I can do the opposite of what I’ve always done to see how it feels. I can try a new behavior as an experiment. I might decide to go back to doing what I’ve always done but at least I’ve stepped out of my holding pattern. I’m willing to try being less myself in order to become more myself.

I’m not going to be a woman who buys a $3,000 ski jacket just because I can. (I can’t.) And even if I could afford it, I’d rather spend the money to help someone else who can’t afford any jacket, much less a $3,000 one. But I would like to try something different today, just as an experiment.

Which brings me to Albert Einstein: “The intellect has little to do on the road to discovery…There is a leap in consciousness…and the solution comes to you and you don’t know how or why.” We have to side-step our own minds to discover something astonishing.

Do you always do something because it’s something you’ve always done? What can you do today that’s different? Fill in the blanks: “I’m the kind of person who___” and “I’m the kind of person who doesn’t____” For today, can you do the opposite?

Coming up soon — my interview with journalist and Holocaust survivor Noah Klieger who has just become a Knight in France. He talks about how to be a hero in your own life.

Posted in Be Less You To Be More You, Being a Hero In Your Life, How to Change Your Life, Relationships, Your Best Chapter | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Anything Worth Doing Is Worth Doing Badly

Posted on March 26, 2012 by dianabletter

Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.

So much of my day is spent berating myself for not doing things better or faster. For example, the other morning as I was running in the fields by my house, I didn’t notice the sun coming up over the hills and I wasn’t paying attention to the songs of the birds. Instead, I was listening to the refrain in my head saying, “There’s a marathon coming up and two friends will be running – why aren’t you? Why can’t you run faster? Why can’t you run longer? Why can’t you…”

This experience reminded me of the saying: Anything worth doing is worth doing badly. This means that we should continue to do what we love even if we’re not very good at it.

A friend of mine loves drawing with colored pencils. She draws beautiful irises, gladiolas and pansies. Chances are, she won’t have an exhibit at the Museum of Modern Art (where there is, right now, a terrific exhibit of the Croatian artist Sanja Iveković). Yet on weekends and during a free moment, my friend takes out her artist pad and box of pencils and does her art because that’s what she loves to do.

So often we let our fears of “not good enough” get in the way of things we’d like to try. We don’t explore or attempt new activities or things that might give us joy because we’re already comparing ourselves to others. Instead of focusing on what we like doing – like bicycling or baking – we get caught up in judging ourselves. And all too often, we give up, not because we didn’t enjoy the activity but because we didn’t feel we were good enough.

I love the story in Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way about the woman who wanted to learn how to play the piano at age 65 but then began talking herself out of it. She quipped to her piano teacher, “Do you know how old I’ll be by the time I learn how to play the piano?” He replied, “The same age you’ll be if you don’t.”

What about you? Is there something you really want to learn how to do? What is stopping you? What are you doing to push yourself toward pursuing a dream?

 
I’ll Never Be Michelle Kwan But So What?
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Not “Hearing” The Forest For The Trees

Posted on March 25, 2012 by dianabletter

Sometimes we're caught in a forest of our own making

There’s a fascinating article in The New York Times about soldiers who are using new techniques to recover from Post-Traumatic-Stress Disorder. The lessons they learn could apply to us all. Soldiers who were going into villages where children might spit or throw rocks on them were encouraged to zoom in on the positive. For example, they kept their thoughts on villagers who invited them in for bread and chai rather than the negative. This way, soldiers were able to store up good feelings so that they would be strong enough to deal with whatever difficulties they encountered.

What can that teach us? Simple. We have to keep our thoughts focused on what is positive in our lives rather than continually go back to the negative. Which brings me to my friend, Lily, and the subject of today’s blog, “Not ‘Hearing’ the forest for the trees.”

Lily and her boyfriend (new but serious) were planning a trip to Hawaii and he asked her what she planned to contribute to the trip. It was a simple question, right? But it made Lily furious! And when he tried to explain what he meant, she got even more upset and they almost cancelled the trip. What went wrong?

Lily’s memories of her past – her hurts from old relationships, disappointing break-ups, money issues with ex-boyfriends and money issues with cheap ex-boyfriends – got in the way of her actually hearing what Ryan was asking. In other words, she couldn’t hear what Ryan’s question because her past experiences blocked out his words. Just like we sometimes don’t see the forest for the trees, we often hear things through our own brain’s filters.

What was Ryan really asking? He says he wants to marry her. So, rather than looking at the funds for this trip to Hawaii as “her money” and “his money” he wanted to pool their resources together. His real question was: What do you think we should spend “our” money on? For example, what is more important to Lily: paying extra to fly business class, let’s say, or paying extra for a better hotel? Is it more important to her to contribute to dinners at fancier restaurants or to buy clothes?

After Lily calmed down, she realized that he wasn’t repeating the same pattern as her former boyfriends or putting her on the spot. Perhaps he has his own issues about money but that’s a different issue, and then the question is whether or not she can accept his shticks or not. (See my blog post here about changing other people.) His question was reasonable. In future posts, I’ll discuss how money is one of the biggest wedges that drives couples apart. (Making the next chapter sometimes a lonely chapter.) So, just like those soldiers who learn to focus on the hospitable and look for it, we have to focus on the positive and listen for it.

When I first really working on how to make my life better, I discovered the strangest phenomenon. All of a sudden, I could hear music in a more profound way. It was as if I had been blocked from hearing well because so much chatter – fears, doubts, insecurities – was going on in my brain. Once I became calmer inside myself, I unplugged my clogged senses.

These days, when I feel attacked or unsure about what someone is trying to tell me, I try to find myself the space between what I hear and how I respond. Taking a deep breath and pausing for the slightest moment saves me from getting into arguments, from assuming the wrong thing, and from deepening misunderstandings. I make sure that what I hear is really what is being said – and not just what I assume is being said based on my filters.

Have you experienced this sense of not “hearing” the forest for the trees? ”? What have you learned to do to change that?

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Really? I Get To Start My Life Over? Like, Right Now?

Posted on March 23, 2012 by dianabletter

I am seeking ways to turn the next chapter of my life into the best chapter of my life.

I plan to consider all angles – not only what I call the Big Four – body, mind, heart and soul—but also finances, friendships, the frivolous and the practical. I will delve into the enormous body of writing on this subject to seek answers to two vital questions: How do we turn this next chapter into the best chapter? And, how can we become heroes of our own lives?

I’ll be drawing from the wells of knowledge from all sources, from self-help blogs and books to priests, teachers, rabbis and the Dalai Lama. Right now, for example, I’m thinking of my acupuncturist in New York City’s Chinatown who, after sticking pins all over my body to treat a severe pain in my back paused to look at me and then barked out in all sincerity, “I know your problem! Emotions…wobbly!” He was right. My emotions were wobbly and I didn’t know how to repair them. This blog, then, is what I would have liked to have read when I was seeking help in a dimly-lit, back-alley room above a fish store. Like an author who gathers recipes from friends, family and neighbors in her community to make a cookbook, I will gather recipes for living to help you discover what you can do to make this next chapter be as good as it can possibly be.

Happiness is a project, as Gretchen Rubin explains so well. There are many positive steps – often, seemingly obvious steps, such as not procrastinating if it takes less than a minute – that we can take to make ourselves happier. Moreover, I’ve learned that living our lives better also involves changing the way we think and see the world. This blog will examine how we can do that.

Some experts argue, for instance, that the reason human beings focus on the negative is really instinctive. In our collective past as hunters and gatherers, we kept our minds alert to what was poisonous and dangerous because that was the only way we could stay alive. We lost sight of the beauty because we had to stay alert to the dangers. Today, we know that if we continue to focus on the negative aspects of our lives, we lose sight of all that is wonderful and good, and we lose out on living the best chapter of our lives.

I started this blog a while ago but put it aside because I wasn’t exactly sure what I was doing with it and where I wanted to go. Sometimes things just need time to simmer in our brains. So, after consulting with Catherine Ryan Howard who offered wonderful and witty suggestions on how to make my blog better (or bletter), I decided to start over. (Yup, we can give ourselves permission to do that!) And while I was stumbling, I also decided that instead of doing what I usually do – which is to wrongly convince myself that I should go it alone (and more on that, later) – I could, and should, reach out to friends who serve as light posts on my journey through life. And one of them told me not to focus on what every other blogger is doing and just focus on what I want to write about. I was curious about Laura Vanderkam’s new book, All The Money In the World, and wrote to her and she kindly and oh so serendipitously sent me that very book to review on this very blog, which I plan to do in the coming weeks. I’d forgotten that when you step out in faith, the universe supports your dreams. So, here I am.

I want to share my answers to how to make our next chapter the best chapter. And just like a book which turns a page at a time, today’s blog focuses on…today. I draw inspiration from Dale Carnegie who, in turn, drew inspiration from nineteenth-century physician William Osler who recommended living in “day-tight compartments.” In a speech at Yale University Medical School in 1913, Osler told the graduating students, “Shut off the future as tightly as the past. The future is today. There is no tomorrow.”

I invite you to join the conversation and share your insights. What can you share from your experience to help you live in the moment? Do you find yourself drifting back to the past or zooming ahead into the future? What are you doing today to help you live in today? And are we all so geared to “getting ahead” that we forget to slow down and appreciate the present? If you have any wisdom to share, the best time is…now!

My next post, Not “Hearing” the Forest For the Trees, will talk about how we’re sometimes so caught up in our own negative thoughts, we often don’t hear the positive things people are trying to tell us.

The beach 100 steps from our house. The rule is you're allowed 1 Rainbow Picture per blog so this is it.

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Put some gratitude in your attitude!

Posted on November 24, 2011 by dianabletter

Stop! Remember what you have to be thankful for!

Put some gratitude in your attitude!

We can think of a hundred things wrong with our life…or even ten. But the best thing to focus on is one thing that’s right with our life. One time, I got a flat tire late at night on a dark country road in northern Israel. I was driving a Chevy van – and not a Volkswagon Beetle – and there was no way I could change that flat tire. And this was before cell phones. I sat on the side of the road, waiting. And as I waited I started with A and thought of what I had to be grateful for that began with A. I went all the way through the alphabet once and by the time I started again, help showed up.

I love that prayer, “Thank You for everything You have given me, everything You have taken away, and everything You have left me.”

What do you have to be thankful for today?

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Are You Your Own Best Cheerleader?

Posted on November 18, 2011 by dianabletter

Are you your own best cheerleader? There are some mornings when I really dread getting up, getting dressed, getting out of the house. Then I have to give myself a rah-rah-rah just to keep going.

One of the most important ways to make this next chapter count is learning how to cheer ourselves on when times are tough.

I read that every really successful performer — athlete, writer, musician, singer — knows that there will be off-times. Like that song, “Momma said there’d be days like this.” Some days are just harder to handle than others. For me, the key is to pretend there are cheerleaders on the side of the field cheering me on. I remind myself that I might be tackled by bad luck or bad health or a bad performance, but I have to keep going to reach my goal.

What do you say to yourself in those tougher moments? Are you your own best cheerleader?

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Are you writing your own best chapter?

Posted on October 23, 2011 by dianabletter

Look for your own.  Do not do what someone else could do as well as you.  Care for nothing in yourself but what you feel exists nowhere else – and out of yourself create. . .the most irreplaceable of beings.
–Andre Gide

I’m getting better at focusing just on myself and what my life is
and my purpose. I often compare myself with others – what they have, what they’ve
done, what their status is – and then I lose sight of my own journey.

I have to remember that my journey is my own. The worth of my time
on earth is measured against myself, if I’ve done everything that I was put on
earth to do. I can’t compare myself to anyone else because we’re each unique. My
soul has its own lessons to learn.

Just for today, are you focusing on yourself and writing your own
best chapter?

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