The Best Thing You Can Do For Someone You Love–Leave Them Alone!

Posted on August 10, 2011 by dianabletter

I hired these 2 cute guys to model for my blog to demonstrate how we have to leave the people we love alone. They might be related to me.

 I was talking to one of our six (help!) kids. Tom, third one in line, has just graduated college. Just broken up with his girlfriend. Unsure what to do next. At first I was full of suggestions. Places to go, people to see. I was about to launch into my “Why don’t you try…?” speech. And then I realized that sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love is leave them alone.

This doesn’t mean not caring for someone you love. It means backing off and letting them figure things out on their own.

I realized in this stage of my life that the only life I’m an expert on is mine. I’ve spent the past two decades serving as my kids’ coach, fan, guide, booster, disciplinarian, boundary-setter and role model. (For what to do and what not to do.) Now it’s my time to back off and let them make their own decisions. And their own mistakes.

I know I want to help my kids avoid mistakes that I’ve made. I want them to learn from my experiences – but that’s impossible. They have to learn from their own experiences. And I have to sit with my own discomfort of watching them struggle and sometimes stumble. By leaving them alone, I am loving them in the truest sense of the word.

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Don’t Spit into Your Spaghetti Sauce

Posted on August 9, 2011 by dianabletter

This morning I ran into my old friend, Sam. I hadn’t seen him in a while. He told me that his mother-in-law, who had lived with him and his wife for a while, had just died. She was a tiny, old, sweet Italian widow – or so he thought – until he happened upon her in their kitchen while she was cooking spaghetti sauce. She was stirring and mumbling, “…and this bastard did that to me” and “…and that son-of-a-bitch did that to me” all the time spitting into her sauce. Cursing under her breath, stirring and spitting.

“That old lady died with so much resentment in her,” my friend Sam said, “and I realized that I don’t want to keep spitting into my spaghetti sauce.”

I understand, too, that I am going to live peacefully, I have to give up resentments. Moving onto the next chapter of our lives means letting go of the last chapter. And letting go of the people who might have hurt us. Maybe they did – but it’s time for us to gently let them go and move on.

I find the best way for me to release an old hurt is to close my eyes and invite the person into my mind with me. I pretend it’s a quiet, cozy, well-appointed room. (For some reason, this room in my mind happens to be burgundy red.) I tell them what I want to say. I listen to what they might tell me. If I’m breathing deeply and staying calm, I often am able to “hear” the message they were unable to tell me in person. If it’s a family member, I hug them and then let them leave. For a business associate, I might shake their hand and wish them health, happiness and prosperity.

If I want to feel better, I can’t wait for someone else to apologize or make the first move. It’s up to me. I might not even have to say I’m sorry – words are cheap – I just have to act differently when I’m with them and think differently when I’m not with them.

I don’t want to waste my life being angry at people. Resentment means re-feeling the same feeling over and over. It blocks the sunlight of the spirit. Resentment keeps me a prisoner. And I don’t want to reach the end of my years still spitting in my spaghetti sauce.

P.S. Sam said that when his mother-in-law asked him if he wanted some spaghetti and meatballs, he thanked her politely and went out to dinner!

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Turning the Negative Into the Positive

Posted on August 8, 2011 by dianabletter

 

OK, I know that’s easier said than done…But how do we make a lousy situation a little better?

I was sharing this concept with my friend, Emma, this morning. She was having a hard time dealing with her boss, Bob, because he is, in a word, incompetent and she ends up picking up the pieces and doing most of the work. I said that if she found a way to refer to him differently then maybe she could think about him differently. And thinking about a problem in a new way is getting closer to solve it.

So she decided to call him Bob…Blob. As soon as she started ranting about him as Blob, it was far funnier. We got on a roll. Annoying neighbors called Russell became the Fuss-ell Family because they complain about everything. A former boyfriend whose last name was Radecki was transformed into…you got it, Badecki.

I know it sounds simplistic and silly but it follows the maxim, “If we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.” This is one step at least toward accepting things we can’t change – and that’s half the battle!

Did you try this? Did it help you deal with a problem situation?

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