Sometimes Being Called Selfish Is A Compliment

Posted on July 12, 2012 by dianabletter

If you grew up thinking you always had to take care of everyone else, and you’re finally, finally, finally, trying to take care of yourself, and the very first time you say no because you don’t want to put someone else’s needs above your own, and they call you selfish, take it as a compliment.

Most of us are not selfish. Most of us are giving, concerned, sensitive and helpful. But sometimes we need to be giving, concerned sensitive and helpful to ourselves first, even if it means upsetting others.

If we’re being called selfish today, it just might mean we’re doing the right thing. Be less you to be more you: try something new today.

Posted in Be Less You To Be More You, How to Change Your Life | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Question of the Day: How Can You Feel Rich?

Posted on July 11, 2012 by dianabletter

Today’s papers are filled with the news about Eva Rausing who was found murdered in her mansion in London. Her husband, Hans Kristian Rausing, was arrested for possession of drugs and might be charge with the crime. The couple met in a rehab center years before. They were among the richest people on earth.

When my kids were little, they used to ask me, “Are we rich?” I’d say, “We’re rich in happiness.”

We often compare our lives to those that seem more glamourous. The lesson is that we all have our private sorrows. Life takes its toll on all of us.

Just for today, how can we feel rich? We can remember to appreciate the abundance of all that we have.

 

 

 

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Tool for Tuesday: Look for Your Own Higgs Boson

Posted on July 10, 2012 by dianabletter

Am I the only one who thought they found the Higgs bosom? I’ve been looking for my own for years. I had a hunch I was a 36-D all along and not a 36-AA. I could have sworn it was somewhere inside me…if only I had the right machinery to discover it.

But what it proves is that we have to follow our hunches. According to a New York Times article, scientists have been searching for this, the Higgs boson, because it is the basis of all modern physics, but “its existence has eluded scientists for 40 years.” They thought it was out there…and they didn’t give up.

In our own lives, we have to trust what we sense is true and hold fast to that belief. That is the key to our transformation.

Tool for Tuesday: believe in what you believe in no matter what anyone else says. And don’t give up searching for it.

Posted in Tool For Tuesday, Transformation | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Isaac Newton: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction

Posted on July 5, 2012 by dianabletter

Isaac Newton published one of the most important books in the history of science today in 1687, Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Mathematica, or “Mathematical Principles of Natural Philosophy.” What did Newton have to teach us about personal relationships? Simply, relatively speaking.

“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction,” Newton said. What does this mean? Every time someone is nasty to us, our tendency is to be back at them, nasty to nasty. It’s a matter of physics.

But we do have the power, contrary to natural laws, to change. We can respond with grace and dignity, no matter what the other person’s action is. We can zip the lip instead of flinging it back.

We can recognize our personal power to make this day a page in our best chapter. We are not subject to all the forces of nature.

Posted in Be Less You To Be More You, How to Change Your Life, People, Relationships, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | 26 Comments

Tool for Tuesday: The Tool You Should Not Use

Posted on July 3, 2012 by dianabletter

Here’s something different: the tool not to use. The word should. When should you use the word should? Almost never. Why? The word is manipulative. As in, “you should have known I wanted the four-caret diamond.” It’s judmental: “You shouldn’t have an affair!” It’s guilt-provoking: “you should be here with me on Father’s Day.” It’s self-righteous: “you should know better.” It’s advice-giving, and we would do best never giving advice. We don’t know what is best for anyone else.

It’s a word that shouldn’t be used. Except, obviously, to make my point as in the last sentence.  Even if you’re a Mom or Dad, you can think of other ways to tell your kids to do something. Instead of saying, “You should take a sweater.” You can frame your suggestion as just that, a suggestion, so your kids learn to decide things on their own. (Obviously, I’m talking for kids of a reasonable age.)

You should take a sweater. Nah. You can say, “It might be cold. Do you think you want to take a sweater?” This makes you less of a nag. Helps kids think on their own.

“You should call your Aunt Hermelinda.” What can you say instead? “Have you done your good deed for the day? No? Good! Here’s something you can do–you can call Aunt Hermelinda!”

You should not steal. Well, it says so in the Ten Commandments. But that is more direct. Don’t steal.

Here’s a common one that is altogether unhealthy for us: “You should be over this by now.” No, no, and no again. Never should yourself and don’t should others. Things take as long as they take to get over.

Tool Not to Use: the word should.

 

Posted in Self-care, Tool For Tuesday | Leave a comment

Claire Cook: We’ve All Got The Power To Make Our Own Dreams Come True

Posted on June 28, 2012 by dianabletter

Claire Cook

Best-sellling author Claire Cook’s latest book, Wallflower in Bloom, is a delightful story of Deidre Griffin finally finding her own courage to step out from behind her brother Tag’s shadow. Tag is a famous self-made guru and the book follows Deidre’s journey as she finally realizes that it is up to her to become a self-made woman. As she takes a huge risk, she learns how to start her life all over again. With her signature wit and insight, Claire Cook delivers yet another funny, fiery look at how one woman can become the hero of her own life. I’m delighted to share my interview with Claire Cook here.

Diana: My blog is called “The Best Chapter” and the major theme of all your books is how your characters take that big step to begin the next chapters in their lives. In your newest book, Wallflower in Bloom, which I loved, Deidre Griffin reaches a pivotal moment when she decides to do something completely unexpected. Was there a time in your life when you realized, this is it, time for me to start my best chapter?

Claire Cook: I love your blog, Diana, and I love that you won the 2011 Family Circle Fiction Contest, which I was a judge for one year – such a small world! Thanks for your kind words about Wallflower in Bloom, and yes, the overarching theme of all of my novels is reinvention and how to move on to that next chapter in our lives.

My own journey was pretty much a midlife wake-up call. I’d known I was a writer since I was a little girl. I majored in film and creative writing in college, and fully expected that the day after graduation, I would go into labor and a brilliant novel would emerge, fully formed, like giving birth.

It didn’t happen. I guess I knew how to write, but not what to write. Looking back, I can see that I had to live my life so I’d have something to write about, and if I could give my younger self some good advice, it would be not to beat myself up for the next couple of decades.

But I did. At the same time, I pretended I wasn’t feeling terrible about not writing a novel, and did a lot of other creative things. I wrote shoe ads for an in house advertising agency for five weeks, became continuity director of a local radio station for a couple of years, taught aerobics and did some choreography, helped a friend with landscape design, wrote a few freelance magazine pieces, took some more detours. Eventually, I had two children and followed them to school as a teacher, where I taught everything from multicultural games and dance to open ocean rowing to creative writing.

Years later, when I was in my forties and sitting in my minivan outside my daughter’s swim practice at 5 AM, it hit me that I might live my whole life without ever once going after my dream of writing a novel. So, for the next six months I wrote a rough draft in the pool parking lot, and it sold to the first publisher who asked to read it.

My first novel [Ready to Fall] was published when I was forty-five. At fifty, I walked the red carpet at the Hollywood premiere of the movie version of my second novel, Must Love Dogs. I’m now the bestselling author of nine novels, including my newest,Wallflower in Bloom. Not many days go by that I don’t take a deep breath and remind myself that this is the career I almost didn’t have.

Diana: You wrote that your characters are “trying to find a creative way to make a living during these swiftly changing, crazy times – just like the rest of us!” What do you do each day to make each day a page in your best chapter?

Claire Cook:  I rise about the negativity. People told me I couldn’t get published without connections. I didn’t know a soul. Lots more people told me the Must Love Dogs movie would never be made. Long shots happen every day. Believe in them. Believe in yourself. And if there are people in your life who aren’t supportive of your dreams, dump them if you can. Or at least stop sharing your dreams with them.

I work my butt off. It’s tough out there, so I make it a point to always do more than the situation requires. I did this when I was trying to break in to the publishing biz, and I continue to do it on a daily basis. I meet every deadline. I dive back into a manuscript again and again and again – whatever it takes to make the novel I’m working on as good as it can be.

I focus on being who I really am and writing the book only I can write. The buzzword these days is branding, but I think of it as authenticity.  Being a novelist is the first job I’ve ever had where I wasn’t pretending, or at least trying to pretend, to be a slightly different person. Who I am and what I write are totally in synch. There’s tremendous power in that.

I remember that karma is a boomerang. This is the truest thing one of my characters has ever said. Many of the great things that have happened to me (including a Today Show feature!) were triggered by something nice I did for someone else. People talk; your actions determine what they say. So do something nice for someone and set that boomerang in motion.

I don’t wait around for anyone else to make things happen for me. I truly believe we’ve all got the power to make our own dreams come true. The Internet is a great equalizer – everything you need to know about the world you want to conquer can be found online. Research. Network. Create an online presence.

Diana: Deidre Griffin and other characters in your novels are very real heroines. This highlights my belief that we can each be the hero of our own lives. You mention how important it is to be you, to be authentic. How can people do that when – like Deidre Griffin – their families are holding them back?

Claire: We can blame our families or bad breaks or a tough world, but for Deirdre, and for all of us, the truth is that we’re often the ones who are really holding ourselves back. I think once you accept this and get out of your own way, things go a whole lot better!

Diana: I love your use of phrases called chiasmus in Wallflower In Bloom. My favorite is “Success is getting what you want, but happiness is wanting what you get.” How did you get the idea of including a chiasmus for each chapter? What is your favorite – in your book and in life – and why?

Claire:  So glad you enjoyed the chiasmus chapter headings inWallflower in Bloom! I love word play, so I thought it would be a fun way to start the chapters. But I also thought that it would be interesting if they were the method to Deirdre’s guru brother’s mojo. I mean, some of them are powerful and some are just silly, so I think they’re also a statement on charisma and celebrity – when someone has that It Thing, the pieces sometimes seem to add up to more than the whole. As for my favorite, after coming up with a different chiasmus for all 38 chapters of Wallflower in Bloom, I think I’m seriously over them!!!

 Diana: One of my mantras about writing is, “Write it to right it.” You began the next chapter in your life literally by writing your next chapter. Are there other tools you use to live your best chapter?

Claire: Absolutely. And I share them all on the For Writers and Reinvention pages at www.ClaireCook.com!

Thank you, Claire!

I’m adding the photo of the cover from Wallflower in Bloom because it’s color-coordinated with Claire’s shirt in her photo above and it captures a wonderful moment in time — a simple whirling dance — that leads to the next thought:

Wallflower in Bloom by Claire Cook

We can all do one thing today to make our own dreams come true. Today is your day. What are you going to do?

Posted in Being a Hero In Your Life, Self-care, Writers, Writing, Your Best Chapter | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Tool For Tuesday: Do the Small Things Big

Posted on June 26, 2012 by dianabletter

We had a job chart for all six kids when they were young. One of our sons, Tom, always tried to sneak his way out of his chores or he’d do them without really trying. He swept the floor with one hand.

“Don’t be a one-handed sweeper in anything you do,” became my husband Jonny’s constant admonishment to him. And to all the rest of us. It sums up today’s Tool for Tuesday: Do the small things big.

If you are sweeping, then sweep as if this small job is the biggest, most important task there is. If you are walking the dog, then do it with gusto and bravado. If you are dealing with little kids, the elderly, or a boss who tries your patience and asks for something to be redone yet again, be present. Be aware. Be inside your life, not on the outside looking in. Do even the most mundane, routine tasks as if they are meaningful. Because they are. They are the moments in a string of moments that comprise your life.

Do the small things big.

Posted in Thought For The Day, Tool For Tuesday | 1 Comment

Don’t Listen to Your Mother On This One: Talk to Strangers

Posted on June 24, 2012 by dianabletter

David Topus, Author

I’m happy to share my interview David Topus, author of Talk to Strangers; How Everyday, Random Encounters Can Expand Your Business, Career, Income and Life (John Wiley and Sons, 2012), a surprising look at how opening yourself up to strangers can help change your life. David’s interview on NBC can be viewed here and in the BBC here

Diana: In what ways has talking to strangers enhanced your life?

David: Over the years I have met hundreds of interesting people, many of whom I would never have come to know if I hadn’t opened myself up to the possibility. I begin every encounter with the assumption that the other person is fascinating and unique, and that there is something I can learn from them. Because I believe this, it tends to be true. I have garnered clients, contacts, investors, partners, employees and friends through people I’ve met in the most unplanned, random places and ways.

The number and variety of people I have met — and developed relationships with, both professional and personal — is nothing short of remarkable. I sometimes shake my head in amazement at how people seem to show up in my life. Sometimes I even wonder if these encounters are truly “random”, or if they are predestined. I think the universe puts certain people in our path, but it is really up to us to take advantage of the opportunity to meet them. In my book, I outline the four beliefs of successful random connectors. One of them has to do with the world being a friendly place, and another is about being socially fearless, believing you can meet anyone you want to meet. When you believe this, somehow the universe puts people — amazing people — in your path.

Diana: What do you do each day to take care of yourself?

David: I make a point of getting a good night’s sleep, and I ride a bicycle 12 miles up and down hills every other day….I have met people while riding the bike; people I have stayed in touch with and been enriched by personally.

Diana: Does reaching out and connecting with strangers have any benefits beyond the monetary or business ones, for example, on your mental or emotional well being?

David: Actually, yes. When I open up to others, especially those who wouldn’t typically talk to people they don’t know, and when I create a level of comfort and trust that makes it possible for them to open up to me, I feel a great sense of accomplishment. I feel I have helped someone else break through the veneer of isolation that they — and so many people — are likely to have. Most people WANT to make new connection, but they either don’t know how, or don’t have the confidence.

I like to think that if I give them a good experience in meeting a “stranger”, they might be more likely to give it a try on their own.  Beyond that, I am encouraged and exhilarated by the commonality of human experience I often bring out in my conversations, and I get tremendous energy from meeting complete strangers and finding this common ground that makes us both human.

Diana: David, Thank you!

Click LIKE if you agree about talking to strangers and COMMENT if you don’t. And please share any encounters with strangers that you’ve had!

 

Posted in How to Change Your Life, Other people and us, People | Tagged , , , | 7 Comments

Looking for The Wizard of Oz

Posted on June 21, 2012 by dianabletter

The Mom Who Took Off On Her Motorcycle Cover by Design for Writers

We interrupt this program to bring you a special announcement. The book cover for The Mom Who Took Off On Her Motorcycle arrived! And in another proof that the universe operates with synchronicity, I am presenting it today, which is the third anniversary of the very day that I took off on my motorcycle for Alaska with my husband, Jonny, on his motorcycle. Summer Solstice, 2009.

So this is an anniversary celebration in honor of my best chapter that began the moment I decided to do something extremely different from what I usually do. I wanted to talk a little about my decision to print the book on my own.

I had a literary agent at one of the biggest, most successful agencies in New York. She was sure that she’d be able to sell the book for me. (She wouldn’t have invested so much of her time if she didn’t think she could make money.) We worked on it together for a few months and then she sent it out to well-respected editors at a dozen houses.

Editors all replied that the premise was intriguing and the writing was great but for one reason or another, they couldn’t make an offer. So I rewrote the whole book, making it even stronger than the first time around. The response was the same: in this publishing environment, editors couldn’t take it on. One editor said she just didn’t understand why I’d do something so dangerous; another editor said she remembered her Mom going through a similar “empty nest” crisis. An editor at a small publishing house was about to make an offer when my agent quit the agency (she moved to a big-name publishing house) and there were publishing upheavals…

So there I was. I really wanted to publish this book with one of the traditional publishing houses. But part of my whole spiel here on this blog is accepting life on life’s terms. I could have either complained about the publishing industry or change what I could. My choice: get bitter or get better.

Back in January, I was going to rush and publish this book for Mother’s Day but my friend Lily (I’ve written about here on my blog) said I should take my time and find out how other people self-print. So I investigated and stumbled upon Catherine Ryan Howard’s blog here. If Diana was Britain’s Princess of Wales, Catherine is Ireland’s Princess of Self-Printing Sales. Her blog is filled with practical suggestions, including go-to names. I found top-notch editor Sarah E. Franklin, (you can twitter her at @SarahEFranklin) who I eventually worked with, and Andrew Brown who designed this winning, wondrous cover for me. Here’s his link. (Go visit there but don’t forget to come back!) He never lost his patience even though I wasn’t sure what I wanted until, like in Malcolm Gladwell’s essay, “Blink,” I knew right away. The cover would make me want to buy this book and I’m my first reader.

I will be filling you in on all the upcoming details about The Mom Who Took Off On Her Motorcycle interspersed with our regularly scheduled posts on how you can become the hero of your own life and start your best chapter today. In fact, right now. I’m taking a couple of deep breaths to remind myself that I’m still breathing. Alive.

Too often we wait for an outsider, usually a stranger, to give us the validation we think we need. While waiting for an acceptance, what I was really waiting for was the booming voice of the Wizard of Oz to tell me, yes, it is official, you are a writer. But then I realized that the wizard behind the curtain is another bumbling, searching, insecure human like the rest of us. We have to learn to validate ourselves. Self-printing this book, then, is a continuation of what I started to learn on my way to Alaska.

Plus, the whole world of self-publishing is changing. Gone (for the most part) is the stigma. Many established writers such as James Altucher refuse to publish via companies. Do you have any project you’re not doing because you’re waiting for someone to give you the stamp of approval? Are you considering self-publishing? Here are a couple of great links to sites that will steer you in the right direction:

http://selfpublishingteam.com/ Shannon and Toni

http://www.thebookdesigner.com/ Joel Friedlander

http://carlaking.com/ Carla King

Sorry, I can’t help myself. One last time:

Posted in Being a Hero In Your Life, Lily and her stories, self-printing | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Tool For Tuesday: Dial 911

Posted on June 19, 2012 by dianabletter

A while ago, I had to go to court to take care of some family business. My friend, Kate, volunteered to go with me—under one condition.

“Ask me,” she said. “Ask me to go with you. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help.”

Being strong and independent doesn’t mean we have to do everything alone.

Have your own personal 911 list of people who you can turn to for help.

Do you hesitate before reaching out to ask someone to help you? Do you think you “should” be able to do it alone?

Help me. Those two words don’t always come from weakness but from strength.

 

Posted in Tool For Tuesday | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments