DIANA BLETTER

This is a segue from yesterday’s topic about changing ourselves. Sometimes the people we love might choose to stay stuck. We might be changing, growing, improving ourselves — while they prefer to live in self-pity and misery.

My friend Ramon says that as we get older, we have two choices: either we get better or we get bitter.

Some people prefer to live in the darkness. There are those who complain, moan, whine and kvetch, which is a combination of all three! I have decided to make the most of my journey through life. It ends in death, that much is certain, but at least for the time I walk this planet I want to make the most of it.

I can find something to feel grateful for, no matter how seemingly insignificant, to help me have a good day. The smell of freshly-cut grass, sunlight through the trees…even if it’s

just one thing!

If you smile, nobody knows how you're REALLY feeling!

One of my friends wrote back about what I shared about checking our motives. Are they to change us or to change someone else?

You are supposed to change yourself. not others. all you can do is remain calm. if she is going to change herself in hope to change someone else. then it will only result in failure. she needs to be good to herself and put herself first. if his behaviour is unacceptable to her, then she should leave for a little while. see a movie. go shopping. if she stays while he is acting like this… then she is aiding in him to continue his bad behaviour. this method, as you know. can apply to kids, hubbies, parents etc.. my book, written my a relationship counselor, says not to get drawn in. in this case she can have empathy and say something like.. i know.. it really stinks when such and such happens.. i’m going to give you some alone time. and then leave.

So true! We have to take care of ourselves first.

Another friend said, “You can’t change other people, you can only change your reactions to them.”

That is very wise indeed.

Thought for today: Instead of REACTING, I try to take a breath and then RESPOND. There’s a huge difference between the two.

Am I trying to change myself for the right reasons?

I was speaking to a friend, Nora, who told me that her husband, Joe, can be ruthlessly hostile and critical at times. She has tried every which way to tell him that his words are very hurtful but she can’t get him to stop exploding.

Her therapist suggested that since she can’t get him to change, maybe she can look at herself and change the behavior that might trigger his fury.

It is wonderful to look at ourselves and improve certain behaviors. But we also need to check our motives. If I’m changing myself to stop someone else’s annoying behavior, or to get someone else to do something differently, then I’m engaged in nothing more than manipulation.

I have to check my motives.

I know that sometimes I think that if I do something thing differently then someone I love might react differently, too. But I have to remind myself that I really have no control over others.

“What should I do if he gets so upset and stops speaking to me for a week?” Nora asked. “He does that. Then I don’t know whether to stay in the room with him, whether to make him coffee, whether to kiss him even when he turns his head.”

“Would you stay in the room with someone who’s sulking?” I asked. “I wouldn’t. I’d try to be pleasant and then say good-bye to them and go find something else to do.”

My friend, Ursula, always reminds me that “we are responsible for our own happiness.” That means that no matter what kind of bad mood someone I love is in, I am responsible for making myself happy. No matter if the people around me are miserable.

Nora said that Joe’s mother can also be very nasty and insulting. So, it’s just a habit he grew up with that he picked up. A lifelong habit that is hard to break unless he wants to break it. Joe owns the habit; Nora doesn’t. And Joe is the only one that can stop it.

If someone doesn’t want to talk to me, I can’t force them. If someone doesn’t want to change a negative behavior, I can’t force them, either. All I can do when someone is acting funky with me is wish him well but then let him go…

It’s great if I want to change and improve me—but not if I’m doing it to try to change someone else.

The recipe for living today is to check my motives. Am I trying to change to change myself—or to change someone else?

I spoke too soon.

For soon after I posted yesterday’s blog, my mother tripped on an ice cube and fell, shattering her hip.

She’s now in the hospital, trying to decide whether or not to have surgery. There’s the risk to the surgery and then there’s the risk if she doesn’t have the surgery. Namely, she won’t ever walk again.

So, there ya have it. I drove to the hospital in the pouring rain.

What can I do to feel carried through today?

I can trust that my mother is being taken care of. I can trust that there’s a plan for each of us although I don’t understand what that is. I can trust in the mystery. I can have faith that there’s a resolution to this problem, even though I might not like it. And even though I can’t see it now.

Praying up!

We each have our own special journey - even Happy

I was reading Julie and Julia last night, not that I’m planning to make any of those recipes. What struck me is the commitment each day to make one meal. I decided that this blob – as my mother refers to my blog — is going to be recipes for life. Each day I’m going to try to send out an inspiring thought to help you make the most of your day. Then we can string along a string of great days that add up to the next best chapter of our life.

To further the theme from yesterday about leaving the people we love alone…My friend, I’ll call her Jill, to make it a threesome of Julie, Julia and Jill, has a kid – an adult now but still her kid – who just made a decision in her life that has permanent consequences. Jill is devastated because she knows that what we choose for ourselves when we’re 24 is not necessarily what we would choose at 44. We have the knowledge that comes with living.

We’re each heroes of our own life stories. And our loved ones are the heroes of their own life stories. I’d love to be able to protect people I love from mistakes. I’d love my kids to learn from my mistakes. But that’s impossible. We are all on our own journeys. We can light up the way for each other but the steps we each take are our own

When I’m scared about someone I love, I close my eyes and swath them gently in a cozy blanket and then let them go. I remind myself that they are being taken care of. Maybe not in the way that I would choose to take care of them…but there’s nothing I can do about that. I have to accept their choices. I have to trust that they are on their own special journey just like I’m on mine.