Tool For Tuesday: Don’t Force A Solution. The Answer Will Come To You.

Posted on July 23, 2013 by dianabletter

Until we are ready to know something or see something, the mystery will stay a mystery. Unless we are absolutely ready to make a change, we’ll  stay stuck in the question, “Should I? Shouldn’t I?”

So how do we get ready?

First, do nothing. Especially not in a crisis. We can never make a good decision in a crisis.

Pray up. We can store up our good energy. We can remind ourselves that only God can see around corners and when we get to the corner, we’ll be able to see what we’re meant to see.

Write about it. Grab a piece of paper and let your thoughts flow from your head and heart to the page so you will see them clearly.

Talk to a trusted friend. We don’t have to live in isolation and do everything alone.

Read about it. “At fifteen, life had taught me undeniably that surrender, in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice,” wrote Maya Angelou.

Surrender. Wait. Pray. Get Ready.

We can try to make a space between our problem and ourselves. In that space, if we’re not cluttered with fear and worry and anxiety, the answer will come. We won’t get any clarity if our thoughts keep running round and round the hamster wheel, running through the same problem again and again.

We can take care of ourselves by remembering that we don’t have to force a solution. We simply don’t.

Tool For Tuesday: Don’t Force A Solution. The Answer Will Come To You.

The universe’s plan for you will not pass you by.

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Tool for Tuesday: The Sandwich. Huh?

Posted on July 16, 2013 by dianabletter

My friend, Joelle, was off to give her boyfriend “a piece of her mind.”

Try the sandwich, I suggested.

Huh?

The sandwich approach is: two compliments with a suggestion in the middle. That seems to work best. Give a compliment, then your observation, suggestion or feeling (keeping the focus on yourself), followed by a compliment. The sandwich!

Also, slow down, I said.

She had a whole speech planned, everything she wanted to get off her chest.

I suggested that before she said anything, she could ask herself a few questions.

Is what I’m going to say kind, helpful or necessary?

Does it need to be said now? Does it need to be said by me?

I find if I pray for a moment just before I rattle away with that “piece of my mind,” I end up saying the right things. I don’t want to talk just to hear myself speak. I don’t know all the answers. I can’t pretend to know what’s best for anyone else. I can’t expect all my problems with someone to be solved by one discussion. Getting things off my chest and giving people a piece of my mind are not the best way to get our point across.

How do we make today the best it can be? Being aware of our speech. Sometimes it’s not what we say but how we say it.

Tool for Tuesday: Try the sandwich.

Speaking of which, here are some good vegetarian sandwich recipes.

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Michael Levin: You can’t fulfill your dream unless you dare to risk it all.

Posted on July 14, 2013 by dianabletter

Today’s post is in memory of Michael Levin on the seventh anniversary of his death.

Michael moved to Israel from Philadelphia in 2002 and joined the Paratroopers. In the summer of 2006, Michael was given leave to visit his family in the US. Two weeks into his trip, war broke out on Israel’s northern border when Hezbollah ambushed an Israeli Army patrol, killing five reservists and kidnapping Ehud Goldwasser and Eldad Regev. When Israel crossed the border in an attempt to rescue them, Hezbollah began its assault on Israel, launching thousands of rockets at the communities of northern Israel.

Michael immediately cut short his vacation and flew back to Israel to serve with his unit. He fought to receive permission to be sent to the north to rejoin his unit. When Michael arrived, his unit was sent to the Hezbollah village of Aita al-Shaab in Lebanon. It was to this Hizbollah stronghold that Ehud Goldwasser and Eldad Regev had been been taken two weeks earlier. On Tuesday, August 1, Michael’s unit moved forward and began an intense fire-fight with Hezbollah forces inside the village of Aita al-Shaab. Michael Levin, 21, was killed then.

I wrote about Michael in an article for The New York Times here. What I want to share now is his motto, “You can’t fulfill your dream unless you dare to risk it all.”

May his memory serve as an example of courage and fortitude. For more information, please look at the following video clips here and and the movie by Sally Mitlas, “A Hero in Heaven,” here.

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Tool For Tuesday: Worst Things First.

Posted on July 9, 2013 by dianabletter

Gold medal Olympian swimmer John Naber said,

“Do you know the difference between discipline and responsibility?
“Responsibility means keeping the promises you make to others.  Discipline means keeping the promises you make to yourself.”

So here (thank you to Melody for drawing my attention to this!) are seven

tips for keeping the promises you make to yourself.

1. Check in with someone else. Some people call this book-ending. Make a phone call or send an email and swap plans. Follow up.

2. It is not only first things first. It is worst things first. Get the thing you like to do LEAST out of the way FIRST. Do what you don’t want to do first and then reward yourself with what you do want to do.

3. Set a time limit. If you have a major project, break it down by time. Give yourself 30 minutes to tackle something and then take a break. The amount of time we have to do something is usually the amount of time it takes.

4. Set a space limit. Gotta clean a closet? Do it a shelf at a time. Need to pack up your house. Go room by room. We all need boundaries so we don’t get overwhelmed.

5. Reward yourself. Indulge in something you might not do after completing a task. This could be something as simple as allowing extra time to read a novel.

6. Remind yourself that procrastination is just a five-syllable word for being lazy. This usually jolts me into action.

7. Finally, keep sight of your goals. Don’t let the little annoyances throw you off track. Don’t fall into the mind-set of, “I’ll never win a Pulitzer Prize, anyway.” You’re responsible only for the effort, not for the outcome.

Tool for Tuesday: Worst Things First.

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July Fourth: Write Your Own Declaration of Independence.

Posted on July 4, 2013 by dianabletter

It’s July Fourth and today we can declare our own independence. We can take a few minutes to write up our own declaration. Here’s mine.

I am an independent, emotionally autonomous country.

I declare that I have the right to be happy despite the fact that people around me are stuck.

I have the right set my own boundaries and decide what is in my best interest. I have the right to defend myself from attacks, verbal or physical. At the same, I have the responsibility of not doing to another what I don’t want them to do to me. In other words, I have to demand from myself what I demand from everyone else.  Furthermore, I can be gentle with myself if I make mistakes. Government leaders do make mistakes though rare is one who admits them. But I can make amends. (Or enact an amendment. And nobody else has to read it.)

I can take care of myself emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally.

I can strive to better myself.

I can use my monetary funds at my own discretion but be fiscally responsible.

I can volunteer to help others but keep in mind the idea that I have to help myself first. I’ll remember the Airplane Law and put on my oxygen mask on before I attempt to help others.

I can be the land of the free and the home of the brave. I can, in my own mind, strive for courage and clarity of thinking.

I will keep my speeches brief. I will not engage in platitudes that don’t bring about changes. I will remember that I serve best as power of example without too much self-promotion.

I will remember that even if others get upset at my independence, I must live my own life. A life lived always searching for others’ approval will keep me miserable.

This is my Declaration of Independence. What’s yours?

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Fourth of July: Write Your Own Declaration of Independence.

Posted on July 4, 2013 by dianabletter

Today we can declare our own independence. We can take a few minutes to write up our own declaration. Here’s mine:

I am an independent, emotionally autonomous country.

I declare that I have the right to be happy despite the fact that people around me continue to be stuck.

I have the right set my own boundaries and borders and decide what is in my best interest. I have the right to defend myself from attacks, verbal or physical. At the same time, I have the responsibility of not doing to others what I don’t want them to do to me. In other words, I have to demand from myself what I demand from everyone else. Furthermore, I can be gentle with myself if I make mistakes. Government leaders make mistakes. And I can make amends. (Or enact an amendment.)

I can take care of myself emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally.

I can strive to better myself.

I can use my monetary funds at my own discretion but be fiscally responsible.

I can volunteer to help others but keep in mind the idea that I have to help myself first. I’ll remember the Airplane Law and put on my oxygen mask on before I attempt to help others.

I can be the land of the free and the home of the brave. I can, in my own mind, strive for courage and clarity of thinking.

I will keep my speeches brief. I will not engage in platitudes that don’t bring about changes. I will remember that I serve best as power of example without too much self-promotion.

I will remember that even if others get upset at my independence, I must live my own life. A life lived always searching for others’ approval will keep me miserable.

This is my Declaration of Independence. What’s yours?

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Use What You’ve Got. Want What You Already Have.

Posted on June 30, 2013 by dianabletter

A farmer was trying to get her geese to lay golden eggs. She played her flute, hoping to inspire them. She played and played. A few eggs plopped out but not one of them was golden.

“Did you have a good day?” the farmer’s husband asked her later that night.

“It wasn’t a good day for golden eggs,” the farmer said. “But it was a wonderful day for making music.”

Maybe we fall short of our most-desired goals. But we can still look at what’s right in our lives rather than what’s wrong. We can focus our attention on what we have accomplished rather than what we haven’t.

Today’s reminder: Use what we’ve got. Want what we already have.

I’m sure you’ve heard that story before but I made the flute-player a woman not a man just to stir things up a bit. Coming up soon: an interview with Lisa Barr, author of the novel, Fugitive Colors.

And I’m giving away a paperback copy of The Mom Who Took Off On Her Motorcycle on goodreads beginning July 3 so stay tuned!

Posted in Gratitude, Thought For The Day | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments

Tool For Tuesday: How Do You Ask For What You Want?

Posted on June 25, 2013 by dianabletter

My friend Joelle is about to move to a new apartment. She asked me, “What are good strategies to help me get the most help from Shawn during my move?”

Shawn is her off-and-on boyfriend. Right away, can’t you smell trouble brewing? It is clear from her question that Shawn does not volunteer to help her much so she needs to find ways to get him to help her. So how do we ask for what we want?

Well here are some of the standard ways:

Manipulation. That’s one way to get people to do things for us. We figure out how we can manipulate a scene or say things in a certain way so that people then feel obligated to help us. Or invite them for dinner on the day you need help. Oh, since you’re already here…

Guilt. “I’ve done so many things for you, can’t you, just this once….?” Remember, that everything done out of guilt backfires. If we do things out of guilt, it backfires against us (usually in the form of resentment). And if someone does something for us out of guilt, then it isn’t sincere and they will usually demand something in return.

Helplessness. Play the sympathy card and you’re stoking the guilt fires. Usually people who confuse pity with love play helpless to get people to jump in and rescue them. But is that how we want to live our life?

Seduction. Not only sexual seduction. We can emotionally seduce someone into doing what we want with subtle promises and with the idea that they’ll get something in return.

Bargaining. “If you do this for me, I’ll do that.” We often make silent bargains with people in our heads, and then get upset that the other person didn’t hold up his end of the bargain. Even if he didn’t know what the bargain was!

So how do you ask for what you want? Ask directly.

  1. Keep the focus on what you want. When I said this to Joelle, she said, “Well, Shawn isn’t going to want to…” She was already focused on him and his excuse and what she thinks he’ll want to do.
  2. Come up with what it is you want. (Remember: nobody can read our minds!) “Ideally, I  need someone to help me on Wednesday at 6 PM to pack up the living room.” Or, “I’d like someone to be there when the truck arrives.” Or, “I want someone to help me unpack on Thursday.”

Now, there’s a chance he might say no. (In Shawn’s case, a very good chance.) But remember: You can’t take care of yourself if you’re always focused on taking care of someone else. We need to think about what we want and then ask for it directly. In simple words.

It will either be a yes or a no.

If it’s a yes, then you know you can count on that person. And then, when he wants something, you’ll be able to say yes to him, too. There’s no guarantee you’ll get what you want just because you asked for it nicely.If it’s a no one or two times, that’s OK. But if the person is unwilling to help you, why are you hanging around? We don’t have to be Oliver Twist and hold out our plates and beg for more.

In the ideal relationship, people don’t keep accounts of what each did for the other person. A working relationship means that you will keep doing for the other and there’s an endless supply of good will that will never run out.

Tool For Tuesday: How to Ask for What You Want? Figure out what it is you want. Then ask simply and directly.

Posted in Self-care, Tool For Tuesday | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments

Ran Zilca: Never Allow Fear to be in the Driver’s Seat.

Posted on June 21, 2013 by dianabletter
Ran Zilca, right, with Deepak Chopra

Ran Zilca, right, with Deepak Chopra

Happy to welcome Ran Zilca. You’ll soon see why there’s a photo of him and Deepak Chopra staring back at you!

Diana: Welcome, Ran Zilca! My blog is about living your best chapter each day. Tell us what do you do for yourself each day?

Ran Zilca: Working for a California company and living in Israel, my work schedule is almost 24/7. In addition, my kids are still young and I try to be a very involved father, so between work and family there is only little time left. However, I am still able to dedicate some time to other things that matter to me like writing, exercising, riding, and playing music. In fact, the rock band I played with in high school recently reunited and we now play together after a hiatus of 25 years!

An old trick I use to keep my focus is this: every morning, I write a “Daily Intention,” and follow it throughout the day. On some days my daily intention would be to be attentive to my children, so all of my energy would be focused there, and on some days it is to take care of my body and soul, or to do one thing that I’ve been postponing. Having a clear intention for each day helps me live daily life in sync with my goals, my dreams, and my values.

Diana: Tell us a bit about your work and research into life and happiness.

Ran: I started my career as a computer scientist and engineer, and gradually crossed the lines into social science. People fascinate me much more than technology.

In 2006, I left IBM Research to start a company called Signal Patterns. I saw a business opportunity in taking the wealth of research in the psychology of well-being and using it to create technology that makes people happier. It was actually mind-boggling to think that it’s a doable thing but no one else is doing it at that time. Since then, I’ve been fortunate to work with some of the greatest research psychologists, trying to understand individual differences between people and their forces of motivation, and then using that knowledge to drive positive, transformational change.

The experience of being an entrepreneur was a great way to put the scientific ideas into practice. Today, we have years of naturalistically-collected behavior data that we analyze. Since selling my company to bLife in 2011, I serve as bLife’s Chief Scientist and really enjoy being a part of the business in its next chapter.

Diana: And as a segue from the last question, tell us about “the ride of your life.”

Ran: AS CEO of Signal Patterns I was working closely with folks like Deepak Chopra, Stephen Covey, and positive psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky on joint projects. I was thrilled to have the opportunity to work with them and learn from them, but most of our conversations were focused on our joint projects, so I rarely had the chance to sit down and talk with them about the “big” or deeper questions. Around the same time, I was also turning 40 and was pursuing my childhood dream of getting a motorcycle license and riding the back roads. I decided to put the two things together, and ride solo from coast to coast and along the way interview the authors and researchers whom I work with – a project called Ride of Your Life, a Journey to Inner Peace. In a few months, I found myself alone on the back of a V-Star 950 loaded with video equipment riding west with no clear destination for the day.

I ended up spending 5 weeks on the road and rode about 6,000 miles to California and then down the California coast line. The experience was pivotal and changed my life in a very deep way. In the year that followed I became certified as a life coach. A couple of years later I also moved with my family to Israel, where I now spend most of the time.

Diana: You’re now doing a Kickstarter campaign. Do you want to say something about that?

Ran: Going on Ride Of Your Life allowed me to spend 5 weeks in a unique mixture of contemplation (riding 5-6 hours each day), speaking with world-renowned experts, and learning from hundreds of people that I met along the way. The insights were simple but life-changing for me. Here are just a few:

1. Embrace risks as opportunities.

2.Never allow fear to be in the driver seat.

3. Assume the best about every new person you meet.

4. Seek ways you can be of service to others.

5. Most importantly: spell-out your dreams, and do one thing—just one thing—every day to advance towards them.

I am in the process of writing a book to share these ideas. The Kickstarter campaign is for folks who would like to pre-order the book, and help me produce and release it. So, in this way, I can get a kick-start on my book’s journey!

For all those interested in learning more about Ran’s project, you can find it here.

Diana: Thanks so much, Ran!

P.S. And, remember I interviewed Laura Vanderkam, author of the series, What Successful People Do, and other inspiring books? I have a guest post on her site. You’re welcome to mosey on there to read “Six Easy Tips for Making the Most of Family Time,” here.

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Tool for Tuesday: Tips for How to Make Up and Move On

Posted on June 18, 2013 by dianabletter
The "Torry, Ari" inventor himself.

The “Torry, Ari” inventor himself.

I wrote, “If you’re burning, you’re learning,” in my last post. You can look at it here. (But, “basically speaking,” as my Scottish friend always says, what I wrote was this: We burn inside when we are aware that we did something wrong.) So today’s post is a follow-up. What happens after we realized that we were wrong and we have some making up to do?

The first thing is going to the person we hurt and saying two of the hardest words there are. “I’m sorry.” That doesn’t just mean blurting out, “Torry, Ari,” like my son, Shlomie, at three years old, used to say to his one-year-old brother, Ari, after he’d kicked Ari, pushed him down, or threw sand in his face. (“Torry, Ari,” is still used around my house for an apology that isn’t really sincere.)

We have to look the person in the eye. (Another challenge.) And we have to let go of our pride. It’s our pride that gives us our tendency toward self-justification. (Any excuse that goes with, “I did that only because…” is self-justification.) Yeah, it’s hard to admit we’re not always saints. But our job is to keep changing and growing along spiritual lines. That means we have to admit that we’re not perfect but we want to improve.

Usually, though, “Sorry” isn’t enough. Because lots of people say they’re sorry. Whole jails are built around people who said they were sorry and then repeated the crime. It means changing our own behavior. No matter what the people around us do. No matter how someone bugs us or incites us or hurts us, we still have to keep our own behavior in check. We have to keep our own side of the street clean.

This does NOT mean apologizing for taking care of ourselves, for being happy when the people we love are miserable, for making choices which are right for us—choices that other people might not approve of. This does NOT mean apologizing to people who will hold what you’ve done against you and use it as ammo. (If someone says, “You might apologize but you are still a terrible ____ (friend, wife, daughter, son, husband, brother—fill in the blank)” then you know it is better to stay away. And one last thing: this does NOT mean apologizing more than once. Mea culpa is said one time. Don’t keep repeating it so that it becomes an internal mantra like, I’m bad, I’m bad, I’m worthless, I’m so ashamed…

What happens if we can’t apologize to someone because they’re already dead? That happened to my friend, Joelle, who wasn’t particularly nice to her mother-in-law, Charlotte. Joelle recognized that she could have treated Charlotte better but Charlotte was already gone. So Joelle made a decision to make indirect amends: every time she meets a woman named Charlotte, she tries to be particularly nice to her. And since Charlotte wore out her patience with complaints about her ailments, Joelle makes an effort to be especially patient to older people.

We’re burning, and learning, and then turning. Turning into the people we want to be. The other day, I went to a park that I used to play in when I was little and I thought, Would I, as a little girl, have liked the person I have become?

Something to think about.

It’s grand to apologize. It takes the weight off. It frees our minds to focus on more positive things. We can make up and move on. And hey, you might slip up now and then. It’s OK.  That means we have another lesson to learn or the same lesson to learn but on a deeper level.

Tool for Tuesday: Making up brings about transformation.

Posted in Tool For Tuesday, Transformation | Tagged , , , , , | 5 Comments