Tool For Tuesday: Today is a Room That Has Never Been Entered Before

Posted on April 9, 2013 by dianabletter

This tool for Tuesday has to do with death. It has to do with life.

My friend, Anne, sent me (via her daughter) a link to an inspirational piece by Roger Ebert, about dying. He quoted Vincent van Gogh, who wrote:

“Looking at the stars always makes me dream, as simply as I dream over the black dots representing towns and villages on a map.

Why, I ask myself, shouldn’t the shining dots of the sky be as accessible as the black dots on the map of France?

Just as we take a train to get to Tarascon or Rouen, we take death to reach a star. We cannot get to a star while we are alive any more than we can take the train when we are dead. So to me it seems possible that cholera, tuberculosis and cancer are the celestial means of locomotion. Just as steamboats, buses and railways are the terrestrial means.”

Death is a room we’ve yet to enter and so is today. Today is a new room. We use terrestrial means to move our bodies around while our souls can be (have to be) celestial.

We open the door to this brand new day and think, Wow. What can I do with this new room? How will I decorate it? What furniture and paint (thoughts and feelings) will I put into it? Use that decorating metaphor throughout the day to be aware of yourself. What are you doing in the room of today?

We can transform ourselves by seeing our lives as an adventure, like a journey to a distant star. We can find something in the day to be grateful for. So far, the special perks of today include seeing a stormy sea, white waves spraying against gray rocks, the smell of coffee and the fact that I’m still alive and healthy. What about your day? What are you doing with your room?

Tool for Tuesday: Today Is a Room That Has Never Been Entered Before

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Do Women Speak A Different Language?

Posted on April 6, 2013 by dianabletter

My older son’s friend, Jake, who’s 29, and a good guy was talking about what he’s still learning: “When a woman says yes but really means no; when she says no but really means yes; and when, when…does she say yes or no but not expect you to read between the lines?”

Here’s the example. Jake had asked his girlfriend if she minded if he went surfing one day. She said, No, and he went surfing. When he came back, however, she was angry because she couldn’t believe he didn’t really understand what she wanted.

“It sounds a bit manipulative…” I speculated.

“No,” my son interrupted, “Women are like that! They say one thing and mean something else and then get angry we don’t understand!”

That got me thinking about things. Maybe we expect people to read our minds. Maybe we say, “I don’t mind,” when we mind dungloads! Maybe we’re even thinking, “How does he even think I don’t mind?”

Your mind is your mind. Nobody can read it. (Thank goodness!) And you have to say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it meanly. But say it whatever it is. Don’t give the answer you think is right and then get angry because it wasn’t what you really wanted.

The guys are right this time, I’m sad to say. I think because women are not leaning in to stand up for their truth (see an article about Sheryl Sandberg’s fascinating book here). All too many women want to play goody-goody (see my post on that here) to please other people (to avoid the discomfort that comes with not getting approval) and then get upset because they don’t get what they really want.

Think your thoughts through. Then know what you want and say no when you mean no and yes when you mean yes. That way people really understand your yes and your no. Don’t speak with hidden meanings–that’s manipulation.

Don’t let your mouth say one thing when you mean the opposite. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it meanly. But say it whatever it is.

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Tool For Tuesday: You Can’t Detach From Someone Whose Approval You Need

Posted on April 2, 2013 by dianabletter

You can’t detach from someone whose approval you need.

You can’t grow up and be an authentic adult, not tied into someone else, if you keep seeking their approval.

I’ve been a perfectionist, people-pleaser, goody-goody, put-my-needs-at-the-back-of-the-list person who craved—really craved—people’s approval. I never knew which shoes to buy because I was afraid somebody wouldn’t like them. (Heels too high, heels too low, too impractical, too practical color too funky, color too dull.) I didn’t know what I really wanted because my head was clogged thinking about what others would say about my choices.

Hey, it’s simple. If we want to start living authentic, mature lives—meaning, doing the things we want to do—somebody’s not going to be happy.

Especially if we’ve been in a relationship with someone based on our meeting all their demands and jumping through hoops o’ fire to please them.

Once we start to stop…once we first consider what is right for us…once we decide that we’re grown-ups and really don’t need to play the role of Good Child anymore, then someone’s not going to be happy.

If we change the dance we’ve always been dancing with people, they’re going to hesitate. They might stumble. They might get angry. They might lose the rhythm for a time. If we change how we react—not jumping in to save somebody else when they’re in hot water—they’re going to blame us and say it is all our fault.

But we have to sit with the discomfort that comes with not getting people’s approval.

If you still need that person’s approval, you’ll never be able to detach and you’re never going to grow up.

Whom do you have to answer to? This is between you and you. Between you and your Spirit, Higher Power, sense of God. Unless you’re auditioning for a part in a play, you don’t have a director. And even at work, your boss is not going to approve of what you do all the time.

You can’t detach and focus on yourself and who you really are if you’re still chasing compliments from others. Ask yourself: What would happen if they didn’t approve of me? Am I scared I’ll be loveless? Do I feel I’m loved only because I’m doing what everyone wants me to do? And what kind of love and life is that?

It is scary at first but then exhilarating. It’s the only way to be authentic and you.

Tool For Tuesday: You Can’t Detach From Someone Whose Approval You Need

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Don’t Worry Your Way into the Weewows

Posted on March 24, 2013 by dianabletter

My friend, Jane, turned me on to Joyce Meyer. I don’t hold water to Meyer’s belief in Satan—there is definitely evil in the world but I can’t imagine it as Satan—and I am a Jew and she’s a Christian and some of her texts don’t speak to me…however, she has a great message.

Today I was reading what she said about worry. She’s not the first to say that worrying is like rocking in a chair—you don’t go anywhere. More importantly, she said (I couldn’t find where) that worry is really a form of meditation.

Think about it: when we ruminate and worry and chew that bone of fear and anxiety, our brains are working non-stop but we’re not moving ahead. Worry doesn’t prepare us for the future. It doesn’t make bad news any easier to swallow. It just occupies our mind but not in a positive way.

You can flip the same worry about a situation into a prayer. Into trust that the universe will do for you what you cannot do for yourself. You can think about what it is you’re worrying about but make it a positive meditation. Let’s say, I’m worried about…OK, my other friend, Lily, and whether she’ll be alright after she gets up the nerve to dump her deadbeat boyfriend (the one who wouldn’t splurge on new towels) or not. But instead of just worrying about her, I can turn my worry into a prayer. I can say something like this:

The will of God will never take her where the grace of God cannot protect her. (You can substitute any word you want for God—the universe, a higher power, a running spirit, whatever.) Then I picture Lily being cared for by her own spirit. I feel her wrapped and coddled and taken care of. I keep repeating that Lily is on her own journey and I trust that she’ll be given all that her soul needs. That’s so much better than worrying. It’s living in the solution, not the problem.

Don’t worry your way into the weewows. Get steady by substituting worry beads for prayers of strength and hope. You can do whatever you have to do today. You are exactly where you’re supposed to be. And so are the people you love.

Other good news! Check out my funny interview (with good photos!) over at the http://www.thehairpin.com with writer Edith Zimmerman here.

The Mom Who Took Off On her Motorcycle is now available on your Apple  device here. It’s also available on kobo books here.

That means that I can’t get into the exclusive amazon.com’s KDP Select program because amazon does not want me to sell my ebook anywhere else. Isn’t that called trying to force a monopoly? More on that another time.

 

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Shimon Peres: Don’t Let Skepticism Win The Day

Posted on March 21, 2013 by dianabletter

“You came to us with a clear message that no one should let skepticism win the day,” said Israeli President Shimon Peres to American President Barack Obama yesterday, March 20, 2013.

How often do we let our own skepticism win the day? How familiar is this old mantra:

I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…

He won’t, she won’t, they won’t…
We have a choice.

Instead of blaming, pleading, challenging, provoking, criticizing and adding sarcasm to our recipe of words, we can change the way we speak. And also the way we think just by substituting hope for negativity and sincerity for skepticism.

We must do the work on our very own selves. We have to start letting go of past bitterness and fears of the future and move forward. It has to begin inside ourselves.  We have to change tack and try a different approach.

Forget the other guys right now and move ahead. You pave the way and they’ll catch up. Transformation is an inside job.

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Tool For Tuesday: Training For Life

Posted on March 19, 2013 by dianabletter

My husband, Jonny, has a friend, Michael, who’s this top-notch athlete. He says he’s always training. For what?

For life.

Another of Jonny’s friends, Corey, also a fine jock, says he’s training for adversity.

Hoping that adversity might never come but we still have to store ourselves up.

Don’t let your soul get depleted. Make sure you’re prayed up. Don’t wait until a major crisis to make contact with your spirit. Start now. Practice storing a warehouse of faith so that when you need it, you’ll have it there.  Save up for the famine the way Joseph in the Bible said to save up.

Listen, you might go through life without ever needing friends. Unlikely, however. So make sure you nurture your friends because they will be there for you at 3 A.M. (Remember that your spouse is also a friend.)

The body. As in your body. Proven fact: people who do sports heal faster. What are you waiting for? Train your body to prevent catastrophe.

Don’t leave your mind behind. Don’t be a mental loafer. One of my daughters, Amalia, tries to write down something she learns each day. I learned today that Polyfill is the fluffy batting inside a blanket. I thought it was Chlorophyll—which is the pigment in plants that captures the light energy required for photosynthesis. Ha!

Soul, heart, body, mind: The Big Four. Keep them finely-tuned like a harp.

Tool for Tuesday: Train for life.

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Psst…You Might Be the Problem.

Posted on March 14, 2013 by dianabletter

Really? Moi?

A friend called me the other day wanting to vent about her son. Yeah, he’s a rotten egg right now only because he’s 26, lost his job (again), lost his telephone (again), and is behind on the rent (ditto).

“It’s so hard,” she said to me. “He lies to me…We argue…he lies again…”

Can’t “get through” to someone?

Stop. Hold it right there.

Only talk about the weather.

Confrontations make everything worse.

Asking too many questions pushes people away.

Let you mind open up just wide enough to admit this unpleasant reality: YOU might be the problem.

You might be aggravating, intensifying & exacerbating the situation.

I know, I know: he’s the crazy one and you’re not the one who keeps losing your job.

But by you’re getting in there and trying to fix things, you’re losing your mind. Admit that, at least.

The one you love is on his own journey and you’re not helping him by trying to get through to him. You can’t help him, you just can’t. Try to be less like you usually are and be more like a brand new you. That’ stransformation. And it’s contagious.

Thought for the day: Just talk about the weather. 

Oh, check out my latest article in The Huffington Post and let me know if you want to reduce your carbon footprint by recycling yourself. It’s a tough decision and everyone’s got an opinion.

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Tool For Tuesday: A Rude Awakening Precedes A Spiritual Awakening

Posted on March 12, 2013 by dianabletter

It all happens for a reason. I believe this to be true, especially today when I made an embarrassing mistake.

 

I was supposed to take part in a reading at the Embassy of the Netherlands with seven other writers for Shelley Goldman’s terrific new anthology, Love in Israel . I knocked on the door, a few minutes late, and announced proudly, “I’m here for the reading!”

 

A flustered-looking woman hemmed and hawed. “I’m sorry,” she said. “But it’s tomorrow!”

 

I got my days and dates mixed up! I was a day early!  But here’s the thing:

 

Just like difficulties precede enlightenment, rude awakenings precedes spiritual awakenings.

 

The insights that make you burn inside, the suggestions of a trusted friend, the comments of a stranger: if you feel unnerved, insulted, exposed—that means you’re headed for some personal growth.

 

Only if you keep your heart and mind open. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Take off all those layers of protection and reveal your true self.

 

You’re feeling raw and plucked because sometimes the only way to get you to change is to force it.

 

A rude awakening can be the start-up signal that you’re in for some major revisions.

 

Here’s what I learned:

 

I will not assume I know.

 

Check my dates twice.

 

I won’t count on my GPS.

 

I won’t let the automatic pilot run my life.

 

So, I missed the reading but got to talk to the flustered woman at the door who turned out to be the Ambassador’s spouse and the event’s host who wouldn’t have had time for me at the event. Another writer was asked to come to read in my place.

 

There is a reason I went yesterday and not today, even if I’m not sure what the reason was. Or maybe I figure it out sideways: because there was obviously else I was meant to do.

 

Oh yeah, write this very post.

 

Tool for Tuesday: Rude awakenings bring on the spiritual ones. (If you’re open to hearing the message.)

 

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The Intelligent Smart Brilliant Novel. Or, The ISBN Controversy

Posted on March 10, 2013 by dianabletter

So, what is an ISBN?

It doesn’t stand for Intelligent Smart Brilliant Novel. (Sorry!)

It’s the International Standard Book Number that allows you to distribute your book (and obviously sell it) through retail channels.

There are a few ways you can get one.

If you are published by a traditional publishing house, you will receive an ISBN as part of everything they do for you.

If you are self-publishing a book, you can get an ISBN free-of-charge from Createspace, for example.

The company will give you that number and that is all. They don’t own the book; it only means you that they are considered the publisher of record and they’re listed on amazon, etc. (You own the copyright; this has nothing to do with that.)

I didn’t get a free copyright, however. I chose to go through R.R. Bowker which is the company that sells the ISBN and I bought a bargain of 10 copyrights for $250. Why oh why did I do this?

Because at the time I was reading different books on self-publishing, including  Carla King’s  great Self-Publishing Boot Camp Guide for Authors. Somebody, and I don’t know who,  suggested that I buy my copyright and then set up my own publishing company. I even picked my own name, Kent & Cordell, because it sounded lofty and literary. I didn’t want people to know ’twas I who I was publishing. I thought it would look more professional –and I’d sell more books—if I had a so-called publishing company backing me up.

Then I read Catherine Ryan Howard’s book, Self-Printing, and she ratted me out. She said it’s so obvious when authors allegedly start publishing houses and the first book they happen to publish is their own!

So, I did away with Kent & Cordell. In my book, on the copyright page, I say this:

Copyright © 2012 Diana Bletter

All rights reserved.

ISBN: 0985343206

ISBN-13: 978-0985343200

In the smashwords edition, I also say (as required by them):

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

But I don’t make mention of my publishing company. In fact, there’s no publishing house anywhere on the book.

I admit I’m still sheepish about telling people I published this myself because it seems less legitimate….and most newspapers won’t review self-published books…and you’re going through the back door…

But I’ve come a long way since self-publishing first. In fact, when my novel, The Witches’ Secret, (out soon!) won a semi-final award at the Amazon Break-Through Novel Award a few years ago, Createspace offered to print it and then get it on amazon absolutely free so that I could start selling it. But, I was full of sniffling self-pity and scorn. I refused to settle for anything but a traditional publisher. Just think, I could have already been selling my book for all these years but my pride got in the way!

Yes, it’s true that traditional publishers sometimes overlook great books…and publish books they think they can make money on. (Duh!) And I still would have loved it if my agent (who believed in The Mom Who Took Off…) had been able to sell it. But I’ve learned that it is better to embrace reality and decide what to do about the facts than to keep wishing unpleasant facts will miraculously change and not do anything but feel sorry for myself.

What does this have to do with an ISBN number?

Because…here’s the deal…You can take one off my hands! If you think you have a really good book and you want one of my ISBN numbers, and you want my new publishing company, Kent & Cordell, to be listed on all retail channels as your publisher of record, write and tell me why! And it’s yours! The winner wins a sparkly new ISBN number!

So, the photo: my son, Ari, sent me the photo of the Diana cigarettes. The point is this: if it’s good, people will buy your books. And even if it’s bad for you, people will buy your cigarettes! So

 

Smashwords’ founder Mark Coker’s free book!

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Tool For Tuesday: If It’s Hysterical, It’s Historical.

Posted on March 5, 2013 by dianabletter

The Pope & The Rabbi

Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals in accordance with tradition, but, there is one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after a new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi of Rome seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope’s presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.

A new Pope’s reign was shortly followed by a new Chief Rabbi. He was intrigued by this ritual and that its origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of theVatican to research it, but they came up with nothing.

When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, they faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, the Pope called him back.

“My brother,” the Pope whispered, “I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?”

The Chief Rabbi shrugged and replied: “We have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history.”

The Pope said: “Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of kosher wine together; then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last.” The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper.

As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock —

It was a bill for the Last Supper — from Murray the Caterer.

Ha! Pretty funny.  But seriously, what can it teach us? This tool for Tuesday: If it’s hysterical, it’s historical. Not just for a whole people but for an individual, too.

If we find ourselves getting hysterical—full of fear, anger, resentment, worry, panic— about something, it might be because it’s triggering a historical fear, anger, resentment, worry, panic. We can carry those feelings around for a whole lifetime.

We don’t have to keep holding a grudge, an old bill from two millennia ago. We can dive into our history and find what it is that is triggering our outburst. As I wrote in a post, we can name it, frame it and then tame it. We need to be willing to look at ourselves, and then move on.

Tool for Tuesday: If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.

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