Tool for Tuesday: Name It. Frame It. Tame It.

Posted on January 22, 2013 by dianabletter

So, my friend Janet is on a safari in the Serengeti when I thought about my Tool for Tuesday. I was pondering the way I replay certain themes in my head—like a song from the radio you can’t stop humming. Then my other friend, Joelle, whom I’ve written about here, (but don’t go yet!) spoke about helping her daughter, Madison, blast through recurring emotions that hold her back. When she’s feeling shy around people, she can get to the awareness of what she’s feeling and say, “Oh, yeah, it’s that shy thing again.”

Name it. Name that tune. Name that old, gray emotion. (Though “old” and “gray” don’t necessarily sound so “old” and “gray” anymore.) But it’s a tired emotion that doesn’t serve you anymore. If you name it, you can wrestle it to the ground. It doesn’t own you, you own it.

Then you can frame it. What that means is you can give it boundaries and borders so it isn’t roaming freely inside you. You can frame it in the context of your life. Like, “I always feel shy because I went to a new school in fourth grade at the same time my parents were getting divorced…”

If you know the frame, if you see the picture of it in your mind’s eye, then you tame it. Because you know what is lurking in your brain. And then you recognize that your mind has the chutzpah to rise up and meet that thing and say head-on, “Oh, yeah, it’s that shy thing that is hanging around like that sweater that I rarely wear and I really should give away….”

If we name things, then we can get a handle on them. We can de-mystify them. I do it with the shame that lurks inside me and occasionally roars its ugly head. Oh yeah, I say, it’s that shame thing. I can frame it. I can tame it. I don’t have to let it control me.

Tool for Tuesday: Name It. Frame It. Tame It. I can do this today.

Don’t be shy…Hit like if you like this tool! Or tell me what works better for you instead.

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On Benjamin Franklin’s Birthday: That Guy Had Sparkalation.

Posted on January 17, 2013 by dianabletter

So what if he had a funny hairdo? The guy was a genius. Benjamin Franklin invented the Franklin stove, bifocals, the odometer. He had sparkalation. (That is me, totally inspired, and inventing a new word.)

He was the founder of America’s first lending library and one of America’s Founding Fathers and Mothers. (Surely we must give credit to the women who, I am sure, sparked a lot of the ideas that were circulating at the time. I can just picture them behind the scenes, saying, “Dear, don’t you think it would be a good idea to write down the Declaration of Independence so it doesn’t get lost?”)

Anyway, the best thing Franklin said that is relevant to those who want to live their best chapter is this:

“Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”

We can all try–just for today–to invent a new, positive word, and leave the rest unsaid.

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Tool For Tuesday: You Can Pick Your Friends and You Can Pick Your…Word. (And I Did.)

Posted on January 15, 2013 by dianabletter

So, when we last met, we were rummaging around our brain cells and heart veins and soul spaces for that word of the year. My friend, Anne, wrote, “My best word forever and ever is love. Such an easy one to feel but difficult to describe. I recently read a meaningful definition of love that Ian McEwan used in “Sweet Tooth.” Love does not stand alone, nor can it, ‘but trails like a blazing comet, bringing with it other shining goods – forgiveness, compassion, kindness, tolerance, fairness, and friendship, all bound to the heart of what love is’.”

Thank you, Anne, for pointing that out. Beautiful.

The big debate was between awareness and acceptance, two solid A-words, but the word presence came to me. As my friend, Mary Eldred, said in my last post, there are many variations to the word and many themes for me to focus on. (Which is the point, right? Focusing on something positive.)

Your presence is requested. I like that for an invitation for myself.

When I am with someone, I want to be fully present. I want this year to be one of invisible presents to others and to myself. No multi-tasking when I can focus on being present.

So, presence, presents, suiting up and showing up and finally: tapping that unsuspected presence within.

The idea also came to me via my friend, Yosi Mor, who wrote about being aware of the present moment –when it comes to decision — doing what can be done now. It is all we have.

What do you think? What word are you choosing for yourself? How can it help you write your best chapter? Write and let me know.

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One Really Smart Thing To Do This Year: Choose a Word

Posted on January 13, 2013 by dianabletter

My freshman roommate from Cornell, Mary Eldred, whom I’ve written about in The New York Times here, picks a word each year to focus on. In the past, she’s chosen the following words: connections, balance, center, grace, faith, open, and contentedness. Her word this year is light…and, as she told me, “its variations…Enlighten, Delight, Lighten Up.”

I love this idea of choosing a word to focus on for the year. I’m still pondering, wondering, thinking, investigating, and gathering information about which word I’ll choose. Another friend who’s in a Jewish values study group told me that the study partners choose one word for each week depending on what they are studying. Mary said that this “the week probably works too, but for me, doesn’t give time for all the permutations of the word to work out.”

What’s your word? Do you have a word of the week for 52 weeks? Or a word a month? What about a word a year? Send in your words. We can change our lives in little ways just by where we put our focus on. I’m writing a lot on acceptance and considering that as my word. Or faith. I love the phrase, “Keep the faith and the faith will keep you.”

Let me know what your word is and why!

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Most Helpful Hint From Cave Men (And Cave Women) On Making Decisions

Posted on January 10, 2013 by dianabletter

One of my daughters was struggling with what to do next with her life. She was overwhelmed with limitless options. I told her: be like a cavewoman. Gather. Gather all the information you need. Don’t do anything else. Just gather everything you need to know.

Then you can decide. It’s much more manageable to take this step first. Talk to people. Look around. The pressure’s off when you don’t have to decide right away (which segues into the fact that rarely do you have to decide anything right now.)

Be like a cave dweller. Go out and gather berries and seeds. Forage around. Gather your information. That way you can set out on your journey toward your goal by taking the first small steps. One step at a time and you will walk toward the right answer. It’s out there, waiting for you.

Being the hero of my life means that all I have to do today is be like a cave dweller and gather information. As Melody Beattie writes about in her books (and you can see her inspiring words here), you can do one small thing to get closer to deciding something. And always remember: positive acts build self-esteem. Picking up the phone and making one call today is a positive act that boosts you right up and gets your mojo working.

This is Part I on making decisions.

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Tool For Tuesday: Open That Door. Use Your Eyes.

Posted on January 8, 2013 by dianabletter

“Your eyes are the mirror of the soul.”

That’s a Yiddish proverb. (I love Yiddish proverbs; for more, see here.) That’s why when you look people in the eye you can make a serious, simmering, solid connection.

You can reveal everything with your eyes, even if you reveal nothing. But you have to be brave enough to look out at the world to reveal your soul. As I shared in my post here on how we’re walking around turned inside out, our inner beauty is revealed through our eyes.

Did you ever talk to someone who didn’t look at you? And you felt like he was hiding something? If his door is closed, then you’ll never make a connection.

I can’t stress enough how important it is to transform ourselves in the little things. This is a little thing that is really a big thing. You might feel uncomfortable at first–holding someone else’s gaze is a little disconcerting at first–but it’s a life-changer. You become like a big plow charging through the snow.

Tool For Tuesday: Look That Guy in the Eye.

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What Are You Revealing Without Even Knowing It?

Posted on January 3, 2013 by dianabletter

Phrenology–the theory that bumps on your head can reflect your character—has been disproven. But it still makes sense.

Our thoughts and feelings do show up (sometimes unwillingly) as outer wear.

You can spot an angry person, can’t you? Sometimes all you have to do is look at a man to feel what he’s feeling inside. There are people who are boiling like Mt. Vesuvius. They don’t have to talk and yet you know exactly what they’re thinking.

Our inside feelings show on our outside…

We really walk around inside out.

What we feel on the inside seeps into our skin. Our positive feelings act like balm; they smooth down our furrowed eyebrows. Happiness might cause our laugh lines but that’s a badge I’ll proudly wear. It’s the negative stuff I want to get rid of.

We don’t have to speak to express how we really feel. It’s pretty obvious. It’s ugly obvious, too.

You don’t need Botox to detox…Wear your inner beauty on the outside.

Every time you think ugly, think pretty. It’s really possible to transform that negative stuff that wears you down into something positive.

“Flip it!” as Leon Black says in “Curb Your Enthusiasm.”

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Tool For Tuesday (And the New Year): Tell Yourself A Story

Posted on January 1, 2013 by dianabletter

 

Tell yourself a story and make it a good one. You are the hero of this story. You set off on a journey. An adventure. A discovery. You face many obstacles. Dragons, dungeons, floods, fears. You have to walk through the fire…

You walk through the fire.

You are alone, lonely, scared, sinking, drowning, rowing against the rapids.

You are fighting flames, you are freezing cold, you have frostbite, the sun is burning a hole in your head.

You keep going.

You miss the people you love, you fall into a rut, a chasm, a black hole.

You climb out.

They keep pushing you down but you keep getting yourself back up.

You follow your heart. You hear your soul. You wait all night for the sun to come up.

You don’t think you will make it. You don’t have the armor, the special weapons, the courage.

You go on.

And then, one day–this day–you realize, you did it. You made it. You didn’t give in or give up.

You reached your goal. You did what you said you were going to do. You showed up for yourself.

The story ends. You are the hero of your life story.

shlops sunset nov 16 12

This is the story you can read to yourself over and over again. This is your life. This can be your best chapter.

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New Year’s Resolution: Be Resolute

Posted on December 31, 2012 by dianabletter

Wouldn’t it be great if we made a New Day’s Resolution instead of a New Year’s Resolution? That way we would only have to try for the next day ahead of us. Actually, only the next 15 or so hours ahead of us. And when you think of it in that way, it makes our resolutions a lot easier.

We can be resolute, optimistic and positive about accomplishing something within the next few hours. Other good labels to brand ourselves: determined, purposeful, steadfast.

Throw out those year-long plans. Think only of this day, these minutes, this solitary hour in our hands. It is all we have. All we will ever have.

 

 

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Stopping That Hostile Takeover

Posted on December 27, 2012 by dianabletter

Chart it, map it and then stop it: When do you find yourself getting hostile? Here’s what Joelle (and I) came up with:

I get hostile when I tamp down what I’m feeling…

When I give in when I know it’s against my best interest…

When I mentally bargain with someone else even if they don’t even know I’m bargaining with them (I’ll give him a lot and surely he’ll do the same for me)

When I say “it doesn’t matter”when it does matter.

I get hostile when I feel resentment boil inside me and I don’t find an appropriate release and it comes out in angry words…

When I keep being a volunteer for the same act and I’m feeling like a victim…

When I abandon myself and my needs to please somebody else.

As surely as the sun sinks in the west, we can map out when we’re drifting into hostile territory. Is this the person we want to sound like? Is this the way we can be happy? Is this our best selves and our best chapter? No and no and no, again.

Before negative feelings have a hostile takeover of your brain, stop. Make sure you’re on the right course, the right time, with the right person.

Ask yourself, “I get hostile when ____” and fill in the blank.

Then we have to sit with the discomfort that comes with feeling someone might abandon us if we strive for something that others might not approve of.

There are some great suggestions in how to restart your life here by Dr. Barton Goldsmith in www.psychologytoday.com.

To  live your best chapter, don’t be prey to a hostile takeover.

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