7 Easy RulesTo Write Your Best Chapter. (Rule 1: Write Your Worst Chapter.)

Got an email from a friend who confessed she was wondering why she was writing. What was the point of it all? Having been there and felt these feelings time and time again, I thought I’d share seven easy rules that saved me from abandoning the writing ship. Some of these are counter-intuitive but they will help you get back into the swing of things and sparkalate your writing:

1. Write your worst chapter. Really. Write really, really badly. Write with the belief that nobody can write worser [sic] than you. If you set yourself up to write badly, you free yourself. When you set yourself up by comparing your writing to that of a Pulitzer Prize winning author, you’ll lose big time. Just write poorly. That is freedom.

2. Throw away the first sentence. I have another friend who wrote an incredible first sentence for his memoir. This sentence is genius. I won’t share it because it’s so good and everybody, and not just me, would want to steal it. But then he was stuck. He has not written another word since because no other sentence seemed as powerful. Let go of that first sentence. Start your work at the second sentence. The first sentence of Moby Dick was really, “Don’t call me Chuck. Call me Ishmael.” (Nobody knows this.) (Just kidding.)

3. Ask yourself, Would you write even if nobody ever again will read your work? Then ask yourself, Why do you keep a journal? Because it’s the same principle. You’re writing just for the joy of it. No one will read my journal and I burn them periodically in a sacrificial fire. I write in them because writing helps me think clearly. The same goes with my other writing. I’m like a salmon. I swim upstream because I have to swim upstream. I write because I write.

4. Check your motives. Are you writing for riches? Fuhgeddaboutit. Are you writing for approval? Remember you have to love and approve of yourself. The act of writing can fill you up but the outcome is out of your control. It’s the process that counts.

5. Make your move. Force yourself to move your pen (or your fingertips) across the page or across the keyboard. Do not look back. Do not correct. Do not stop for spelling mistakes. Do not stop typing. Do not stop writing. Even if you get to the point where you write down, this is so stupid, write that down and keep going.

6. Find anything to write about. If you can’t think of what to write about, go on the street and tell stories about the people passing by. The guy with the green sweatshirt who is dreaming about his pet pig who died the year before. The woman in the supermarket who slept with the wife of her husband’s business associate. The elderly man—yes, the one crossing the street—just donated all his clothes and furniture to the Salvation Army because he plans to commit suicide this very night.

7. Have a writing session. You can do this online or in person. Make a commitment with a writing buddy to write for the next 30 minutes. Make it an hour. Then write. No talking. Write some more. Then share what you wrote. Or get someone to make you write. I was once with a friend and she forced me to sit in a chair and work.

Remember, we have to live through our worst chapters to get to our best chapters. The same holds true for writers. We have to write a lot of junk to get to the gold nuggets. We have to train for hundreds of miles to run that one race.

We have to keep digging, digging, digging up to the light.

This is the first in a series of articles on writing in preparation for the launch of my book, The Mom Who Took Off On Her Motorcycle. In the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing about the journey I took to write the book and how I eventually self-published it. I’ll share about marketing, self-printing, and the actual process of writing, so stay tuned. The posts will be sprinkled betwixt my other musings.

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Tool for Tuesday: Name It. Frame It. Tame It.

So, my friend Janet is on a safari in the Serengeti when I thought about my Tool for Tuesday. I was pondering the way I replay certain themes in my head—like a song from the radio you can’t stop humming. Then my other friend, Joelle, whom I’ve written about here, (but don’t go yet!) spoke about helping her daughter, Madison, blast through recurring emotions that hold her back. When she’s feeling shy around people, she can get to the awareness of what she’s feeling and say, “Oh, yeah, it’s that shy thing again.”

Name it. Name that tune. Name that old, gray emotion. (Though “old” and “gray” don’t necessarily sound so “old” and “gray” anymore.) But it’s a tired emotion that doesn’t serve you anymore. If you name it, you can wrestle it to the ground. It doesn’t own you, you own it.

Then you can frame it. What that means is you can give it boundaries and borders so it isn’t roaming freely inside you. You can frame it in the context of your life. Like, “I always feel shy because I went to a new school in fourth grade at the same time my parents were getting divorced…”

If you know the frame, if you see the picture of it in your mind’s eye, then you tame it. Because you know what is lurking in your brain. And then you recognize that your mind has the chutzpah to rise up and meet that thing and say head-on, “Oh, yeah, it’s that shy thing that is hanging around like that sweater that I rarely wear and I really should give away….”

If we name things, then we can get a handle on them. We can de-mystify them. I do it with the shame that lurks inside me and occasionally roars its ugly head. Oh yeah, I say, it’s that shame thing. I can frame it. I can tame it. I don’t have to let it control me.

Tool for Tuesday: Name It. Frame It. Tame It. I can do this today.

Don’t be shy…Hit like if you like this tool! Or tell me what works better for you instead.

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On Benjamin Franklin’s Birthday: That Guy Had Sparkalation.

So what if he had a funny hairdo? The guy was a genius. Benjamin Franklin invented the Franklin stove, bifocals, the odometer. He had sparkalation. (That is me, totally inspired, and inventing a new word.)

He was the founder of America’s first lending library and one of America’s Founding Fathers and Mothers. (Surely we must give credit to the women who, I am sure, sparked a lot of the ideas that were circulating at the time. I can just picture them behind the scenes, saying, “Dear, don’t you think it would be a good idea to write down the Declaration of Independence so it doesn’t get lost?”)

Anyway, the best thing Franklin said that is relevant to those who want to live their best chapter is this:

“Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”

We can all try–just for today–to invent a new, positive word, and leave the rest unsaid.

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Tool For Tuesday: You Can Pick Your Friends and You Can Pick Your…Word. (And I Did.)

So, when we last met, we were rummaging around our brain cells and heart veins and soul spaces for that word of the year. My friend, Anne, wrote, “My best word forever and ever is love. Such an easy one to feel but difficult to describe. I recently read a meaningful definition of love that Ian McEwan used in “Sweet Tooth.” Love does not stand alone, nor can it, ‘but trails like a blazing comet, bringing with it other shining goods – forgiveness, compassion, kindness, tolerance, fairness, and friendship, all bound to the heart of what love is’.”

Thank you, Anne, for pointing that out. Beautiful.

The big debate was between awareness and acceptance, two solid A-words, but the word presence came to me. As my friend, Mary Eldred, said in my last post, there are many variations to the word and many themes for me to focus on. (Which is the point, right? Focusing on something positive.)

Your presence is requested. I like that for an invitation for myself.

When I am with someone, I want to be fully present. I want this year to be one of invisible presents to others and to myself. No multi-tasking when I can focus on being present.

So, presence, presents, suiting up and showing up and finally: tapping that unsuspected presence within.

The idea also came to me via my friend, Yosi Mor, who wrote about being aware of the present moment –when it comes to decision — doing what can be done now. It is all we have.

What do you think? What word are you choosing for yourself? How can it help you write your best chapter? Write and let me know.

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One Really Smart Thing To Do This Year: Choose a Word

My freshman roommate from Cornell, Mary Eldred, whom I’ve written about in The New York Times here, picks a word each year to focus on. In the past, she’s chosen the following words: connections, balance, center, grace, faith, open, and contentedness. Her word this year is light…and, as she told me, “its variations…Enlighten, Delight, Lighten Up.”

I love this idea of choosing a word to focus on for the year. I’m still pondering, wondering, thinking, investigating, and gathering information about which word I’ll choose. Another friend who’s in a Jewish values study group told me that the study partners choose one word for each week depending on what they are studying. Mary said that this “the week probably works too, but for me, doesn’t give time for all the permutations of the word to work out.”

What’s your word? Do you have a word of the week for 52 weeks? Or a word a month? What about a word a year? Send in your words. We can change our lives in little ways just by where we put our focus on. I’m writing a lot on acceptance and considering that as my word. Or faith. I love the phrase, “Keep the faith and the faith will keep you.”

Let me know what your word is and why!

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Most Helpful Hint From Cave Men (And Cave Women) On Making Decisions

One of my daughters was struggling with what to do next with her life. She was overwhelmed with limitless options. I told her: be like a cavewoman. Gather. Gather all the information you need. Don’t do anything else. Just gather everything you need to know.

Then you can decide. It’s much more manageable to take this step first. Talk to people. Look around. The pressure’s off when you don’t have to decide right away (which segues into the fact that rarely do you have to decide anything right now.)

Be like a cave dweller. Go out and gather berries and seeds. Forage around. Gather your information. That way you can set out on your journey toward your goal by taking the first small steps. One step at a time and you will walk toward the right answer. It’s out there, waiting for you.

Being the hero of my life means that all I have to do today is be like a cave dweller and gather information. As Melody Beattie writes about in her books (and you can see her inspiring words here), you can do one small thing to get closer to deciding something. And always remember: positive acts build self-esteem. Picking up the phone and making one call today is a positive act that boosts you right up and gets your mojo working.

This is Part I on making decisions.

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Tool For Tuesday: Open That Door. Use Your Eyes.

“Your eyes are the mirror of the soul.”

That’s a Yiddish proverb. (I love Yiddish proverbs; for more, see here.) That’s why when you look people in the eye you can make a serious, simmering, solid connection.

You can reveal everything with your eyes, even if you reveal nothing. But you have to be brave enough to look out at the world to reveal your soul. As I shared in my post here on how we’re walking around turned inside out, our inner beauty is revealed through our eyes.

Did you ever talk to someone who didn’t look at you? And you felt like he was hiding something? If his door is closed, then you’ll never make a connection.

I can’t stress enough how important it is to transform ourselves in the little things. This is a little thing that is really a big thing. You might feel uncomfortable at first–holding someone else’s gaze is a little disconcerting at first–but it’s a life-changer. You become like a big plow charging through the snow.

Tool For Tuesday: Look That Guy in the Eye.

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What Are You Revealing Without Even Knowing It?

Phrenology–the theory that bumps on your head can reflect your character—has been disproven. But it still makes sense.

Our thoughts and feelings do show up (sometimes unwillingly) as outer wear.

You can spot an angry person, can’t you? Sometimes all you have to do is look at a man to feel what he’s feeling inside. There are people who are boiling like Mt. Vesuvius. They don’t have to talk and yet you know exactly what they’re thinking.

Our inside feelings show on our outside…

We really walk around inside out.

What we feel on the inside seeps into our skin. Our positive feelings act like balm; they smooth down our furrowed eyebrows. Happiness might cause our laugh lines but that’s a badge I’ll proudly wear. It’s the negative stuff I want to get rid of.

We don’t have to speak to express how we really feel. It’s pretty obvious. It’s ugly obvious, too.

You don’t need Botox to detox…Wear your inner beauty on the outside.

Every time you think ugly, think pretty. It’s really possible to transform that negative stuff that wears you down into something positive.

“Flip it!” as Leon Black says in “Curb Your Enthusiasm.”

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Tool For Tuesday (And the New Year): Tell Yourself A Story

 

Tell yourself a story and make it a good one. You are the hero of this story. You set off on a journey. An adventure. A discovery. You face many obstacles. Dragons, dungeons, floods, fears. You have to walk through the fire…

You walk through the fire.

You are alone, lonely, scared, sinking, drowning, rowing against the rapids.

You are fighting flames, you are freezing cold, you have frostbite, the sun is burning a hole in your head.

You keep going.

You miss the people you love, you fall into a rut, a chasm, a black hole.

You climb out.

They keep pushing you down but you keep getting yourself back up.

You follow your heart. You hear your soul. You wait all night for the sun to come up.

You don’t think you will make it. You don’t have the armor, the special weapons, the courage.

You go on.

And then, one day–this day–you realize, you did it. You made it. You didn’t give in or give up.

You reached your goal. You did what you said you were going to do. You showed up for yourself.

The story ends. You are the hero of your life story.

shlops sunset nov 16 12

This is the story you can read to yourself over and over again. This is your life. This can be your best chapter.

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New Year’s Resolution: Be Resolute

Wouldn’t it be great if we made a New Day’s Resolution instead of a New Year’s Resolution? That way we would only have to try for the next day ahead of us. Actually, only the next 15 or so hours ahead of us. And when you think of it in that way, it makes our resolutions a lot easier.

We can be resolute, optimistic and positive about accomplishing something within the next few hours. Other good labels to brand ourselves: determined, purposeful, steadfast.

Throw out those year-long plans. Think only of this day, these minutes, this solitary hour in our hands. It is all we have. All we will ever have.

 

 

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