Wanna Be Inspired?

Posted on September 16, 2012 by dianabletter

We all live with joys and sorrows and challenges and disappointments and fears and dashed hopes and difficulties. That’s part of membership in the human race. What makes each of us unique is the path we choose to walk.

Do you accept your life’s challenges as homework to learn what you’re supposed to learn?

Do you try to take one small, positive step each day?

Do you live in hope and try to steer your mind away from hopelessness?

What can you plan to do right now to take care of yourself?

There’s a great story in this blog about a single Mom who put herself through medical school. I’m sharing the photo because stories like that inspire me to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I sometimes feel like I’m just walking in place. However. The train that I’m on will eventually arrive at the station. Maybe not on my timetable but it’s right on schedule to reach its destination.

Just try to be the hero of your own life story.

 

Posted in Being a Hero In Your Life, How to Change Your Life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Change From The Inside Out.

Posted on September 13, 2012 by dianabletter

I remember how hopeful I was at the start of the so-called Arab Spring.

Ah, naïve me. I thought there would be a push forward but instead it’s a step back.

But moving from the political into the personal, here’s the message: we can never impose change from the outside. We can’t change Egypt, Libya, Syria, Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, to name a few. We can’t make people be open-minded and accepting. We can’t convince them to do things differently even if we are sure that our way will bring them happiness.

What happens inside another country mirrors what happens inside someone else.  People we care about. We can want them to change because we see they are suffering but we are totally powerless over what they decide to do.

Change can never happen from the outside in. We have to change from the inside out.

Posted in Acceptance, How to Change Your Life, Self-care | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Tool For Tuesday: Throw Out Your To Do List

Posted on September 11, 2012 by dianabletter

My friend Joelle (the one who has a bad case of Tongue-Fu) is going through a tough time with her divorce. Every day, she feels overwhelmed by all the things she has to do and underwhelmed when it comes to doing them.

“I have a To Do List that’s a mile long,” she said. “I have to get my life in order. I have to get my finances in order. I need to get a car, pay my bills, get a job, get orga—”

“Stop!” I interrupted. “First of all, you’re not going to change the world over the weekend. If you want to get your life organized, get your day organized.”

“I have so much on my To Do List.”

“Throw it away.”

“I can’t do that! Then I’ll never get anything done!”

“Make a schedule instead,” I said. Then I told her the reasons why:

If you have a schedule, you have real order to the day. You know what you’re doing and when. If you’re not thinking straight (which often happens when you’re overwhelmed and distracted by problems) break it down to 15 minute-compartments. You can do things for 15 minutes. You can.

If you have “fold laundry” on your list, the chore stares you in the face until you cut it down to manageable size by figuring out how long, really, folding laundry should take. I compare it to songs. A big basket of laundry takes me about three good Bob Dylan songs—half of “Blood on the Tracks.” Paying bills might take six or seven great Bruce Springsteen songs. Sweeping my kitchen takes Amy Winehouse’s “Valerie.”

If you have a schedule, then you avoid the WDIDN Moment, or “What Do I Do Next?” Moment. When that strikes, I know that I can spiral into self-pity and feeling overwhelmed in equal measure. Schedules are great when I’m feeling blue because if I stick with it, then I feel a wee bit better about me own self. Remember, positive acts build self-esteem.

When Joelle and I made her schedule for that day, she originally wrote, “3-5 see granddaughter.” Then she realized that if she did that, then she wouldn’t get to swim in the pool before it closed.

“I want to be a good grandma but I also want to swim…” she thought out-loud. In looking at her schedule, she rearranged it. She went swimming first and then went to read a story to her granddaughter later in the evening.

Remember, don’t worry about being a good grandma, mother, spouse, sister, daughter, son, father, brother. Worry about being a good you. The rest will follow.

You’ll get the big part of your life organized if you stay focused on the small part. What you can do today.

And the best part is you can always change your schedule around. You’re the boss! This is time management at its finest!

Throw out your To Do List. Make a schedule for today.

Like Amy Winehouse? I did. This blog is a tribute to her. How sad. How much talent gone. Like my friend Ralph says, “Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems.”

Posted in countering depression, Joelle's Adventures, Self-care, Tool For Tuesday, Transformation | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

How To Change Your Life (Just For Today)

Posted on September 10, 2012 by dianabletter

Last year, right about this time, I reworked a short story for something like the mazillionth time and then decided on a lark to send it to the Family Circle Fiction Contest. I completely forgot about it until a few months later when I received an email from Family Circle’s Executive Editor, Darcy Jacobs, saying that I won. Me! I won First Prize.

This blog isn’t about that, however. It’s about this: how to live our best chapter. So, the message is: to live our best chapter, we have to take risks. We can’t keep going into the hardware store looking to buy apples. If we want a change, we have to make a change. It’s as simple as that.

The Family Circle Fiction Contest deadline ended for this year but if you want to work on your story to enter next year, I am getting out my pompoms to encourage you. Go for it! Through the contest, I also met Amy Cappelli, who won Second Prize, and has a terrific blog, http://threeoclockcrazy.blogspot.co.il/2012/09/first-day-of-school.html, which she also illustrates herself. You can read our winning stories here.

You can do one small thing today to change your life. It’s the best way to counter depression, just doing one small thing. Think you can’t? Share what you feel with the rest of us! And if you know any writers, pass this message of encouragement on to them!

Posted in countering depression, How to Change Your Life | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The Funny Thing About Surviving in the Alaskan Wilderness

Posted on September 7, 2012 by dianabletter

I watched a movie about Heimo and Edna Korth, a couple living near the Arctic Circle in the Alaska wilderness. The link is at the end of the blog so you can hit it afterwards. The focus was on Heimo’s survival skills and the way he hunts for moose and how he killed a bear. I would have liked to see more about Edna’s life inside their tiny cabin with a door that you have to duck down to get inside. The basic things she has to do each day from heating water to washing dishes and clothes. There is always the domestic behind-the-scenes work that isn’t as glamorous. Yet it’s still survival.

But what was really funny about the movie was the scene when Edna comes outside where Heimo is sitting around grilling meat with the guys on the film crew. She complained because there was mud tracked into the cabin.

“It’s always my fault,” Heimo groaned half-sarcastically into the camera.

How funny is that? The two of them are living in the wild, thousands of miles away from anyone else, and they still are arguing like any couple anywhere, still working out their stuff. They still have to figure out how to get along with each other.

No matter where we find ourselves, near the Arctic Circle or near Columbus Circle, no matter what, we still have to do the inside work. We have to work on ourselves. There will always, always, be a spiritual lesson for us. There will always be that one person, that one situation, that one thing, that will challenge us to change, to accept, to detach.

It’s not only about lessons in survival.

No matter where we are, there we are.

Here’s the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iq0rZn8HFmQ

Posted in Acceptance, places and things, Relationships | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Tool For Tuesday: How To Predict The Future

Posted on September 4, 2012 by dianabletter

How can you predict the future? How can you predict what someone else will do?

By looking at what they’ve already done. Look at your boss. She (threw you off there, didn’t I?) criticized you yesterday and the day before that. You can predict that she will criticize you today.

The neighbor who said good morning to you yesterday will say good morning to you today. The neighbor who never says hello–the grumpy one walking his German Shepherd–won’t say hello again this morning.

It’s like “The Truman Show” but it’s your life. Seeing what happened yesterday is the best way to predict tomorrow.

The spouse who says you’re just an OK cook will not say you’re a terrific cook even if you whip up a veal cacciatore worthy of Julia Child. The ex-spouse who gave you a hard time about money will always give you a hard time about money. The parent who hasn’t yet given you what you think you need will continue to not give you what you think you need.

I don’t want to try to fool myself into thinking things will be different and then be surprised, disappointed and shocked when they’re not. You know what I want? The clarity to see reality.  If I see the past and present clearly then I can predict the future. I can be prepared.

The only thing that you cannot predict is your own behavior—if you decide to change, that is. You are the only person you can change. If you change one little thing, then all bets are off and the future is as huge as the sky.

Tool for Tuesday: You can predict the future by looking at the past.

Posted in Other people and us, places and things, Tool For Tuesday, Transformation | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Are You Being Helpful–Or Are You Trying To Force Solutions?

Posted on September 2, 2012 by dianabletter

My friend, Lily, who has been featured in several blogs here and here really wants her boyfriend to sell his house so they can move in together. She is a stylist in Manhattan, an artist and a connoisseur of sales (do you say connoisseuse? Like masseur or masseuse? Like chauffeur or chauffeuse?)

Anyway, she might not be a connoisseuse of boyfriends…stayed tuned to find out! Because her boyfriend says he wants to sell his house but he doesn’t want to invest any money to fix it up. She suggested he buy new, nice carpets and he agreed. But when it came time to ordering them, he chose the cheapest–not nicest carpets. She suggested hiring someone to stage the house, but when it came time to find someone to do that, he bucked and said, “I can’t believe people can’t see the house for its potential and have to be shown a nice house right now!”

There you have it. Each time she was trying to be helpful he ultimately didn’t want her help. And it dawned on me two things: she was not minding the Say-Do Gap (I wrote about that here) and kept hoping that if she only said it differently, he would change and take her up on her suggestions.

We can’t get people to change.

We don’t have a tumbler key that will turn their lock. They have to want to change. They can’t just say they want to change.  You have to see them change. We are totally powerless over other people, places, and things…

And then the bigger question. I asked Lily, “Are you being supportive and encouraging—or are you trying to force solutions?”

She wanted to help sell that house so that they could move in together. She was trying to force a solution…hurry it up…make it go the way she wants…

“I have to admit I have been trying to push things in a certain direction,” she said.

Sometimes we just have to let a bird go and watch it take off in the direction of its choosing.

Today’s question: Are you being supportive and encouraging—or are you trying to force solutions?

Which brings me to the article in The New York Times Magazine about who’s wearing the pants in the family here…is the economy as we know it changing the way men and women relate as we know it?

Click like if you agree with this – and if not, tell me why not!

Posted in Lily and her stories, Other people and us | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

Little Steps Reap Big Rewards

Posted on August 30, 2012 by dianabletter

My friend, Joelle, wants to start a fun rock-and-roll dance class for her friends. She wants to play great music and just dance with other women. She doesn’t want to go to a fancy health club where ­muscular 20-somethings are all staring and comparing in front of the mirror. She wants to move around and have fun.

“Should I wait until I get more people?” she asked me.

“No!” I said adamantly.

“I have one or two friends who might want to start with me,” she said.

“So start small!” I said. “Start with one friend or two and then you’ll get more and more women.”

“But won’t it be strange to have such a small class?” she asked. “Maybe I should wait until I get more women.”

“You can wait and wait and never get enough women,” I said.

Don’t wait for the perfect condition, the perfect wave. It might not happen.

Make the connection, as Seth Godin writes in his blog. The rest will follow.

Take a little step and you’ll reap big rewards.

Posted in Joelle's Adventures, Self-care | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Tool for Tuesday: Q & A’s On Detachment

Posted on August 28, 2012 by dianabletter

A noble dog’s version of detachment

Question: How do you detach from someone you love?

We can love someone but not suffer when they suffer. We can love them and not be miserable when they’re miserable or angry when they’re angry.

If we are emotionally autonomous—as I wrote about in the Native American tribal wisdom here—then we don’t have to take on everyone’s feelings as our own.

Here are some Q & A’s to see how you are with detachment:

Do you suffer because of the actions of others?

Are you always sensitive to the reactions of others?

Do you do for others what they can do for themselves?

Do you try to manipulate situations to make sure that your loved ones get up on time, pay their bills on time and don’t eat too much or too little? (I caught myself the other day coughing loudly because I thought one of my sons overslept his alarm. I decided that if HE overslept it was HIS problem and if I kept waking him up, he’d never figure it out. I had to sit with the discomfort of my own “what if” questions. Such as, “what if he gets fired?”)

Do you cover up for someone else’s mistakes? Do you apologize for them?

The Dalai Lama said, What is meant by “detachment” is ridding ourselves of clinging and craving for something or someone. I would add, ridding ourselves of the need to change other people, places and things to go our way.

So, how do you detach?

Before you speak, ask yourself, “Does it have to be said? Does it have to be said by me? Does it have to be said by me now?”

Before you mind someone else’s business, ask yourself, “Does it have to be done? Does it have to be done by me? Does it have to be done by me now?”

To live our best chapter, we have to live only our best chapter.

Posted in Self-care, Tool For Tuesday | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Native American Know-How, Part 2: Declare Your Emotional Autonomy

Posted on August 26, 2012 by dianabletter

My Native American friend, Will, who talked about praying for ourselves before we pray for others here, gave me one other crucial tip about living our best chapter.

Declare yourself an emotionally autonomous state. Declare your independence as if you were a new country.

As a new autonomous region, you can extend your arms and that 360 degrees around you is your territory. Nobody can step into your territory unless you invite them in. That means physically and mentally, too.

“I learned I didn’t have to put other people’s well-being ahead of my own,” Will said. “If they were struggling, that didn’t mean I had to struggle, too. If they were hurting, I could pray for them but I could still hold a sacred space of dignity within myself and achieve emotional fortitude.”

We can look at ourselves as an independent country so that what happens outside our borders doesn’t have to affect us so deeply. We don’t  have to take on the crises of  others. We can still live a life of freedom and joy even though others remain stuck.

Today can be declared Independence Day. Celebrate your new state!

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