Father’s Day: Sometimes People Can’t Say the Words We Long to Hear

Posted on June 17, 2012 by dianabletter

Happy Father’s Day to all Dads!

For my friend, Sam, the one with the tropical fish who shared the reminder, “don’t let other people live rent free in your head” (you can read that here), it’s a bittersweet day.

He’s the father of three kids but he’s divorced from their mother. Which means he knows there’s been a lot of ish said about him by his ex-wife. He does the best he can with all his kids but he understands that they have taken their mother’s side against him.

Most children mirror the feelings of their primary caretaker. They accept the mother’s reality as the reality. They stay in denial about an outside reality while they are tied in with their mother. In order for them to see their own truth, they have to detach and see things differently. This sometimes means (to them) a betrayal. If the mother demands their unquestioned loyalty, they cannot go against her.

Every year, Sam waits for a Father’s Day card that will have the words, “To the Very Best Dad in the World.” He really would like his kids to tell him that but they can’t right now. He has to accept that.

Sam has tried with his kids. He’s no deadbeat Dad. I’ve seen him in action: he’s generous, caring, sensitive and goes out of his way for them. In fact, sometimes he goes overboard, running after their approval when they just can’t give it to him.

Today Sam will have to take what he can get and accept it. He said he’s going not to wish for people to tell him what he thinks he needs. He wants to feel content with the way things are, not the way he thinks they should be.

“I can’t keep apologizing to them for what happened between their Mom and me,” Sam told me. “I’m going to worry less about being the best Dad in the world and worry more about just being the best me I can be.”

Part of living our best chapter means not waiting for others to approve of us. We have to make do with what they can give us. We can’t keep obsessing on getting someone else to give us the Very Best ___ Award and instead focus on giving the Very Best Me I Can Be Award to ourselves.

For further reading, there’s a fascinating look at a conflicted father of an autistic son here – his son can never say those words we sometimes long to hear.

Posted in Acceptance, Relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Quiz: Do You Read Other People’s Emails?

Posted on June 14, 2012 by dianabletter

Lily couldn’t resist. Her boyfriend, Luke, (read about him and the case of the missing towels here) left his email account open and she knew she shouldn’t…but just this once…just one peek…he left the account open…

She found a letter Luke received from an ex-girlfriend…and another. Not real juicy stuff but in one, he suggested meeting one XGF (ex-girlfriend) after a business meeting. And that was a day that Lily thought all he was doing was attending a business meeting.

The question is, what does Lily do now? And what would you do? What do you do? Do you read your loved ones’ emails? Their journals left out by mistake? Is it better to know – or not to know? And once you do know, what do you do?

What do you think?

 

Posted in Lily and her stories, Relationships | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Tool for Tuesday: Courtesy Begins at Home

Posted on June 12, 2012 by dianabletter

My friend Joelle jokes that she has a black belt in “tongue fu.” I had to laugh but she was serious. She said that when she was growing up, the pastor of her church thought that she had a perfect family. But Joelle said that her mother “was an angel on the outside and a devil on the inside.” She said it was like Mr. Hyde and Dr. Jekyll—but in her case, she was Mrs. Smile and Dr. Scream. Her Mom maintained perfect composure on the outside but lost it the moment she was in the house.

These days, Joelle tries her hardest not to use her tongue fu on her husband and kids. She really works at courtesy. Courtesy for the people nearest and dearest to us is, at times, the hardest to practice. Our family members can get on our nerves. It’s so easy to lose our temper. But we can’t save our courtesy for the outside world. We can practice being courteous – being aware of other people’s peace of mind and comfort – with those we live with, too.

Tool for Tuesday: Courtesy begins at home.

Posted in Joelle's Adventures, Tool For Tuesday | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

Who Gave You Courage to Begin Your Best Chapter?

Posted on June 11, 2012 by dianabletter

In a moving essay in Sunday’s New York Times, Jane Mendolsohn wrote that Amelia Earhart “inspired me to face the unknown, the empty sky, the blank page….She inspired me to begin my life.”

Before I took off on my motorcycle to Alaska, I turned to Amelia Earhart, too, for inspiration.

“I want to do it because I want to do it. Women must try to do things as men have tried. When they fail, their failure must be but a challenge to others,” Amelia Earhart said.

Who gave you the courage to begin your next chapter? Who has inspired you to become the hero of your own life?

Posted in Being a Hero In Your Life, Your Best Chapter | Tagged , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Take the Quiz: Are You An Under-Doer Or an Over-Doer?

Posted on June 10, 2012 by dianabletter

Take the quiz to find out if you’re an under-doer or an over-doer.

When you’re feeling insecure, do you shop too much to feel better? Or do you deprive yourself of basic things?

When you’re upset, do you eat too much – or too little?

In other words, are you an under-doer or an over-doer?

Do you over-work or under-work?

Do you over-sleep or under-sleep?

Both under-doing and over-doing are ways to avoid whatever is going on inside of us.

To make this our best chapter, we can start with today, page 1, and look honestly at our behavior. Then we can decide to stop over-doing or under-doing and look for balance. To be more you, try being less you.

 

Posted in Be Less You To Be More You, Self-care, Your Best Chapter | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

Don’t Sweat the Big Stuff

Posted on June 8, 2012 by dianabletter

Richard Carlson’s great book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff , taught me not to make a crisis out of the little things in life. But what about the big things? How do we handle them?

I thought of that this morning when I had to finish a big article that I was frightened to do. I thought of Carlson’s words not to sweat the small stuff. But this was big stuff! What was I supposed to do? How was I going to get everything done? I tried to multi-task — something I’m good at — but I was so bound up in all the things I was doing halfway that I ended up getting overwhelmed and not doing a thing.

I turned to Carlson who reminded me (I’m paraphrasing here) that the way to do more is to do less. Focus on the task at hand. I focused completely on the article and followed his suggestion. I cleared my desk of everything except all my notes. I gave my full attention to the one task at hand. I wrote and wrote and wrote, not worrying about the outcome and concentrating only on the output.

And it got done!

The way to do more is to do less.

What do you do when faced with the big stuff?

Dedicated to Richard Carlson, May 16, 1961 to December 13, 2006

 

Posted in How to Change Your Life, Transformation, Writers | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Tool For Tuesday: How Important Is It?

Posted on June 5, 2012 by dianabletter

My friend, Joelle, told me she had an Ah-ha moment the other day relating to today’s Tool for Tuesday: How Important Is it?

Her husband, Tyler, was making coffee for both of them when he opened a second pint of creamer – even though there was already one open in the refrigerator.

“He will NEVER check to see if there is another creamer already open, he’s ALWAYS going to grab the first one he can get his hands on!” Joelle told me.   “But then I had that ah-hah moment and thought: It’s okay…who cares??!!!!  It’s not worth getting upset over!”

Before then, Joelle said that she would tell herself that it was okay when he opened a second creamer – but it still bothered her.  This time, she said that it didn’t rattle her. Instead, it dawned on her that she was very lucky. “My husband loves me enough to make me a cup of coffee,” she said.

I love those ah-hah moments, when the coin drops in the slot and something new clicks in our brain. Because really, how important is it?

Shoes scattered in the hall, a driver cutting ahead of you, a pile from your neighbor’s dog right on your front lawn, two open pints of creamer…How important is it? Not enough to give away our peace of mind.

Speaking of coffee…the winner of the Starbucks Pound of Ground Coffee is Kate Stewart! Thank you to everyone who entered the contest.

Posted in Joelle's Adventures, Tool For Tuesday | Tagged , | 3 Comments

What’s Your Karmic Footprint?

Posted on June 4, 2012 by dianabletter

My friend, Clyde, has a cute little Cavalier dog, Lola, that he spoils so. When Clyde goes on an errand, he takes Lola along. When he goes into a store or has a business meeting, he keeps the car running in winter and summer so that Lola is comfortable. He says apologetically, “Lola has a huge carbon footprint.”

We’re all trying to cut back on our carbon footprint. But what about our karmic footprint? What can we do to leave a positive karmic footprint on the world?

Doing Two Basic Things Each Day will improve our karmic footprint: Try to do something good for someone else. Try to do something good for yourself.

Posted in Being a Hero In Your Life, countering depression, How to Change Your Life | Tagged , | 2 Comments

On Assumptions: Vanilla, And Otherwise

Posted on June 3, 2012 by dianabletter

Setting: lazy afternoon with two visitors staying with us for two days. One girl from Paris and another from Milan.

Scene: My older son offered to make them his special iced coffee and as he was about to pour vanilla into their glasses I shouted, “Wait! Vanilla? Italians would hate ruining their caffé with vanilla! You’re assuming they will like vanilla because you do.”

“And you’re assuming that because you don’t like vanilla they won’t either,” he said.

We argued a bit on this point (it’s amazing how a dumb little argument can get out of control so quickly) and then I asked the Italian girl who told me, “You thought that just because I’m Italian I won’t like vanilla in my coffee? I do like it…”

(Of course she’d side with the cute guy over me!)

I learned my lesson. Never interfere in someone else’s coffee-making. Never assume people won’t like cinnamon, chocolate or vanilla in their coffee just because you don’t. Because – and I love this expression – when you assume you make an ass out of u and me. Guilty as charged.

“You must stick to your conviction, but be ready to abandon your assumptions.” — Denis Waitley

Which leads me to remind you: Free Starbucks Coffee Giveaway (one pound of ground) is going on now. Last day to enter. Don’t be bashful. Leave a comment and bingo! Winner will be drawn using random.org’s random numbering and announced tomorrow!

Posted in Giveaway, Other people and us, Relationships | Tagged , | Leave a comment

15 Things I Wish I Could Have Told My Younger Self

Posted on June 1, 2012 by dianabletter

Things I Wish I Could Tell My Younger Self

Don’t take rejections so seriously. Appreciate how great it feels to get out of bed without one ache in your body and hurt in your heart. Appreciate your friends because soon they’ll start dying on you. Don’t waste your days – you really don’t have that many to squander — and make each of them a page in the chapters of your life. Don’t spend too much money on trendy clothes you’ll only wear once. But if you do, save those clothes because they’ll come back in style. Never say, “I’d never do this or that” because chances are you’ll do this — and that, too. You will not regret what you did, only what you didn’t do. Look in the mirror and enjoy your face. Look deep into your own eyes and tell yourself that you are your very best friend. Never abandon yourself to gain someone else’s approval. Remember that things always take longer than you think. Remember that life is harder than you think. Give extra-generous tips at restaurants and beauty salons because you won’t miss the extra money in your wallet but you will savor the feeling of generosity. Focus on being successful at one thing only – being the hero of your own life.

What are some things you wish you could have told your younger self?

Remember to comment on this post and you can still win a FREE Starbucks pound of ground! And hit that thumbs-up on my facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/DianaBletter.

Posted in Being a Hero In Your Life, Your Best Chapter | Tagged , , , | 8 Comments