Tool For Tuesday: Always Start Cleaning From The Exact Same Corner

Posted on April 17, 2012 by dianabletter

In keeping with the relatively new tradition (begun five minutes ago) of providing you with a Tool for Tuesday, here’s a simple, effective tool to help you make this your best chapter.

It’s a little thing that is really a big thing.

First, the history: With six kids, when we invited one guest – just one! – we had nine (9!)  people around the dinner table. Clean-up got overwhelming. The kitchen was tornado-ville. I’d look around and not know where to begin. So I decided that no matter what, when I started to clean, I’d always start from the left corner of the kitchen and work my way around.

So simple yet ground-breaking! And that kept me focused and happy. It gave me a routine. (So important!) I could put on the music (another tool coming up next) and get the work done.

Always start cleaning from the exact same corner. This provides, as Stuart, from thechangeyourlife blog pointed out, a formula. It works like a — well, magic formula. You avoid indecision. You save time wondering where to begin. And you get efficient at doing your task. Then you’re following a template, an easy routine.

What do you think? Let me know if this works for you. And you can use it in any room of the house by the way. Even the garage.

Readers, you’re welcomed — encouraged, even — to send in a photo of the corner you’ve chosen as your starting point!

Posted in Be Less You To Be More You, How to Change Your Life | Tagged , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Switching That Old, Worn “Back Story”

Posted on April 16, 2012 by dianabletter

This post is about my friend, Lily. I shared the saga of her towels here. Yesterday, she related an argument she had with her middle daughter the other day. Lily, by the way, has three girls, ages 15, 19 and 21, which — lucky for us! — provides plenty of savory material for learning about relationships.

So, the big news is that her middle daughter, Emma, has a new best friend. And Lily, curious about this new friend, asked her a couple of questions that did not include, “What does her father do?” (Lily knows that’s a question that would drive anyone crazy.) Lily asked her what kind of sports she likes and then accidentally mispronounced the girl’s last name. (Something like Blagovestchensky.)

All of a sudden, Emma got upset: How come you never listen, never remember and never understand? And then Lily got upset: How come you always snap, always get upset about simple mistakes, and always blow things out of proportion?

In a matter of seconds, they had each fallen into their old behaviors and old patterns of thinking. The scene was slightly different but they were acting the same roles yet again. They had gotten caught up in the back story.

What is the back story? It’s the story that runs in the back of our minds. It’s the story we tell ourselves, our own personal narrative that we’ve built up over time that we use to prove, support and continue our view of ourselves and our world.

Lily admitted that she immediately started thinking, “Oh no, here we go again, this is happening again, I don’t have a good relationship with my kids, I’ll never have a good relationship with them, I’m a terrible mother…”

But this time, Lily said that she tried something different. She didn’t want to react the same way she had reacted to her boyfriend not buying her the towels. (Her back story then was, “Oh no, I have to do everything myself, nobody loves me, I take care of everyone but nobody takes care of me, poor me…”)

She’d been reading a few books on Zen and the art of relationships and realized that she didn’t have to fall back into the same thoughts. She didn’t want to hear an instant replay. She didn’t want to listen to that back story like mindless Muzak playing in her head.

Instead, she was able to guide her brain away from that “Oh, no” place of anxiety. She stopped herself and instead, guided her brain toward this kind of thinking: “I can detach from those remarks…I can choose not to react…Everything is fine…This too shall pass…”

And it did.

Lily learned from the mistake she made with the towels. She trained herself to view things differently. It’s like that miracufantabulous saying: Nothing changed. I changed. Everything changed.

I found a great interview with Robert Duvall and Lucas Black– talking about their movie “Seven Days in Utopia.” (Any excuse to post that photo!) They reminded me that actors are always the same but they learn to play new characters and new roles in new movies. We have to remember that each scene of our life can be a new scene, with none of that back story preventing us from living our lives in a fresh, new way.

Don’t be shy – puh-leeze share what back story you’ve repeated in your head during an argument. What new thoughts have you found to replace the old, worn tapes in your head?

Coming up on Wednesday, April 18: My exclusive interview with Laura Vanderkam about her new book All The Money In The World and how it can help you use your money to live your best chapter.

Posted in Be Less You To Be More You, How to Change Your Life, Other people and us, Relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Writing In Appreciation Of Our Own Lives

Posted on April 13, 2012 by dianabletter

I’m happy to announce the winners of last week’s writing contest in which I asked you to set a timer and give yourself five minutes to write down everything you love about your life right at this moment, right now. What, you might ask, was the point of that? Because to live our own best lives, we have to claim them. We have to own what our lives are. “Look to this day,” said ancient Sanskrit poet Kalidasa. “For it is life, the very life of life.” We have to look right at this day and even more, right at this moment. Those little moments of life are all that we have. Then we can really, sincerely and truly find gratitude for all that we are and are able to appreciate our lives and who we are right now.

Ladies and gentlemen, the envelope, please!

From Maeve, who has a blog, things to adore, which not only includes moving excerpts from her writing but also a link to her etsy shop where she sells her itsy-bitsy adorable bracelets for babies and us regular folks:

“I love to feel the new life in my belly wriggle and kick. I love when my husband takes our kids on special adventures along the ocean shore – enjoying it as much as they. I love the sun shining through my curtains to give my room a fresh glow, even when it’s messy; when food hits the spot; getting to know new friends.
I love how writing, if even just for a spare moment, clears my head and fills my soul.”

From Nadine C. Keels. Her blog has some wonderful insights into spirituality and strength. Check out the excerpt from her novel, Yella’s Prayers:

“At this precise moment, I’m thankful for the power of forgiveness, the changing of seasons, and raspberry swirl loaf cake. I love being able to do what I love to do, for as long as I’m able to do it. Life is short–I must live well. And why not smile and enjoy what’s going right, instead of waiting for something to go wrong? No one can add a day to his/her life by worrying about it! I’m glad that I can still smile…”

From Holli Witten:

“I just put my baby down for a nap and I’m thinking of the way her fingers curled around my pinkie and her grayish eyes, the way she looked up at me with eyes of love, the breakfast dishes piled in the sink, the magazine I forgot to read, the strand of dental floss on the bottom of the pail, the neighbor’s funny-looking cat with the black mustache, the distant sound of a police car peeling down the street…”

And from Jack Vazakas:

“I was strumming on my guitar, took a break, whistling, humming, shirts in the laundry basket, socks tossed on the floor, my girlfriend doesn’t like it when I snore, homemade granola baking in the oven, jasmine tea in the cup, and now I gotta get up and study some more…”

For next Friday’s writing exercise: We sometimes forget that life really is made up of those little moments. Some of them are sheer perfection when we’re conscious of it and we think: It doesn’t get any better than this. So, write for five minutes (don’t stop! Keep that hand moving across the page like Michelle Kwan on ice!) on That Perfect Moment. Where would you be? With whom would you be? Get out your quills and parchment and begin to scribble away. Send in your entries and I’ll be honored to include them.

Posted in Gratitude, places and things | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

How Can You Smile After Tragedy?

Posted on April 12, 2012 by dianabletter

Why was that man from yesterday’s post smiling? After all he went through — the Resistance, the Holocaust, wars, and on and on, how dare he smile?

There are some of us who prefer to keep the thorny crown of martyrdom on our head and never smile. We think that if we smile, it will prove that we didn’t suffer all that much. Our misery will show the world how much hurt we went through, how much pain we endured.

But smiling doesn’t negate our sufferings. Smiling doesn’t mean our suffering wasn’t so terrible.

We can smile because we were resilient and strong. We made it through terrible tragedies. We can smile to show that we were courageous enough to live through what we lived through. It is our testimony, our acknowledgement, of the human spirit.

I’m not saying to smile dumbly, in denial, and not feel our pain. We have to feel our pain. As my friend, Kate, always said before she died, “We have to grow through – and not just go through – our pain.” We can weep with a full heart and feel all our pain but we can also allow ourselves to smile with a full heart, too. To laugh, even.

“Birds sing after a song; why shouldn’t people feel as free to delight in whatever remains to them?” said Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy — who, just to remind you, endured the violent deaths of three of her sons, and endured a hundred other private tragedies.

And another thing: we don’t smile because we’re happy. We’re happy because we smile. In this case, the chicken comes before the egg.  Physiology-speaking, we can make a conscious decision to choose happiness by smiling.

Take a deep breath. Deeper. Hold it in for a moment. After you exhale long and slowly, smile. You’ll be amazed at this sensation. Even in the midst of a storm, you can find your own personal power. If you’re frazzled, frantic, frustrated and freaking out, take a deep breath,  hold, exhale, smile. Repeat.

Reminder: tomorrow is the big day! I’ll be sharing readers’ writing exercises — it only takes 5 (five!) minutes of your day to write this — from last Friday’s post. If you want a re-read, click here. If you haven’t done so, send in yours today!

Posted in Being a Hero In Your Life, Gratitude | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Do What You Are Supposed To Do

Posted on April 11, 2012 by dianabletter

French Knight Noah Klieger

In today’s post I’m honored – and delighted – to share with you my interview with my very first French knight. The title of a Knight in the Legion of Honor is the highest honor granted by the French state. A knight in France, by the way, is called a chevalier. (Am I the only one who thought it was just a last name, like Maurice Chevalier?) It’s like being called “Sir” in England.

Noah Klieger received the honor this past January for his contributions to French society.

I met Noah in 1980 when I was working as a journalist in Rome and he was on assignment in the city: We both happened to be covering the same new story. I was impressed, moved, fascinated and spellbound by his life’s stories then and 32 years later, I’m still in awe each time I see him.

Noah was born in France in 1926 and by the age of 15, he was fighting with a resistance group against the Nazis until he was captured and sent to Auschwitz. A commander of Auschwitz, Heinrich Schwarz, was a boxing fanatic who put together a boxing club with inmates to entertain the Nazi soldiers.

Noah raised his hand to join the club. “Life was hard enough in Auschwitz when you worked all day and got little to no food,” Noah said. “But if you joined the boxing club, you got an extra liter of soup and that extra liter of soup kept me going for a few months.” In 1990, he was inducted in the Jewish Hall of Fame in Los Angeles with super-athletes like Mark Spitz and Sandy Koufax. “Not because I was good but it was symbolic,” Noah said. Today, Noah is the boxing club’s last survivor. (If you’re interested in learning more about Auschwitz’s boxing club, go here or you can read about the film, “Triumph of the Spirit,” based on one boxer’s life.)

After Auschwitz, Noah served as first mate aboard the Exodus, the famous ship containing 4,600 people who had survived the Holocaust and were headed for the shoreline of what would then become Israel. British warships attacked the ship, killing four and wounding dozens, but the ship was eventually allowed to land. From there, Noah fought in the War of Independence in 1948.

When the war was over, Noah had no work, survived on food rations, and slept for weeks on a bench in Tel Aviv. He wanted to work as a journalist and although he couldn’t write in Hebrew, within five years he was writing for Israel’s largest newspaper. He has also served as chairman of various international sports committees.  More importantly, he’s still writing articles and editorials for the same newspaper, making him, at age 86, when one of the oldest active journalists in the world. Here is an excerpt from my interview with Noah on March 29, 2012:

What do you think someone can do to be a hero?

You must do what is important to you. In addition to your profession, you should do things to help your community. It doesn’t matter what you do. Whether it’s working with old people or taking care of cats. Lawyers can give free consultations and doctors can charge less. Everyone should give something.

You should ask yourself: What can I do to contribute to society? You must do something besides just work.

What do you think your purpose in life is?

I am convinced that I survived Auschwitz only to tell about Auschwitz. Why me and not 1,400,000 others? Only 50,000 of us survived. God gave me a talent to write and to speak so my mission is to teach people what happened in the Shoah (the Holocaust). I don’t take any money for when I speak about it – if I did, I’d be a millionaire. I still speak at least two times a week all over the world. I have spoken in the Sydney, Australia Opera House and I’ve spoken to two kids who are 10 years old. So that’s my mission.

You’re 86. Why don’t you retire and take it easy?

What would be the point of that? You get up, drink coffee and read the newspaper. Okay. Then you go to the gym or play tennis or golf. Okay. Then what? You should wake up and know what you’re going to do. I’ve never stopped working and I don’t plan on it. People die from not having a purpose in life.

Do you consider yourself a hero?

I’m not a hero. I’m a man who wanted to do things I thought were right and important and I more or less succeeded. Some people might say I’m a hero but this is the secret: Do what you are supposed to do. Do it as well as you can.

Not all of us go through tests in life of such epic proportions as Noah did. But we each face our own challenges in life every day. What have you done that you think has made you a hero of your own life?

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Case of the Missing Towels, Take 2

Posted on April 9, 2012 by dianabletter

Two of my kids on top of the world - both figuratively and literally

This just in from my friend Joelle – the one who likes her apples cut in wedges, not slices. She writes:

“I read your post about not letting anyone else’s stupidity and crazy moods affect you… and if you want something you should do it yourself instead of relying on someone else to do it for you. i just think what’s the point in being in a relationship if you have to constantly change how you react to someone not being nice or acting nutty on a regular basis or having to buy yourself something b/c the person you are with can’t do it for you. Just seems to me that as women.. we are always.. well maybe not everyone.. but most women.. make excuses for others’ behaviors instead of walking away. i hear from so many of my friends… if i didn’t make my birthday plan, nothing would have happen. And I make stuff so nice for others. Why can’t they do it for me?”

So the question is, folks, do women – as consummate caretakers – give and give and give some more, taking care of others constantly and then have to content ourselves with crumbs?

And why bother to have relationships with others?

I thought about this question a lot. As a mom — four kids, two biological kids and one unofficially adopted Ethiopian daughter — I often gave all I had of myself knowing that I would never be “paid back” in kind. Sometimes I was able to recognize that the giving itself was its own reward and I gave with a full heart. Other times, I admit I was very resentful. So what did I learn?

I’ll break it down into two categories: giving and getting. When I give, I try to give freely. I try to give with no strings attached. I try to give expecting nothing in return. My favorite mathematical formula is this: No expectations = great happiness.

But before I give, I check my motives: Am I giving to get something in return down the road? (The unspoken deal!) Am I giving because if I say no, the other person will be angry at me? If I say no, will the other person try to manipulate me into changing my mind or try to get me to feel guilty? And if I say no, can I sit with that discomfort that comes with someone else’s disapproval? Finally, am I giving so much that I’m no longer modeling for other person how to give – but rather, merely teaching how to take?

I keep the focus on me: what is my red line? Do I know when to say yes and when to say no? I know I’ve given too much when I say yes through clenched teeth. Then I know I’ve crossed the line. (And nobody else can tell me where my line should be.) If I’m starting to feel angry at myself for saying yes – yet again – then the match is lit and I’ve started a forest fire of resentments. Then it’s time for me to move from saying yes with a full heart to saying no, politely and firmly. Don’t you like the sound of that one syllable on your tongue? Let’s try it again. No. Did you see where that period was after that one word? No. Yes, no is a complete sentence.

As for the getting, I have to remember that nobody else can read my mind. It might be wonderful if someone makes us a birthday party when we’ve already made a party for them time and time again. But some people don’t think of it. They just don’t. And if I know it ain’t gonna happen, then I say: buy that key lime pie cake for yourself and ignore the fact that the Other would have preferred a chocolate cake, and throw the party for yourself! (Don’t forget cute hair accessories as party favors!)

Here’s an example: I love snowboarding. My husband Jonny likes snowmobiling and snowshoeing but not snowboarding. For many years, I was expecting him to say to me, “Why don’t you go snowboarding during such-and-such a time?” I was waiting for him to give me permission or the oomph to plan a trip. I was waiting and waiting and one day it dawned on me that he will never make the initiative about this sport because he doesn’t want to go snowboarding with me and all the kids. Why? Because his role when everyone else is snowboarding is to wait until we get back and do the laundry. (Yup, I am a lucky gal.) So I realized that if I want to go snowboarding I’ll have to figure it out on my own. He can give me suggestions after I do the investigating and he’s extremely, lavishly generous about paying for 97% of the trip, but it is up to me to take the initiative. I can’t keep expecting, waiting, dreaming, scheming, hinting and hoping. I can’t be forgetting to do my own getting.

Are you a compassionate, competent caretaker on the slippery slope toward feeling like a dumb doormat? Are you a lady who loves too much? A Rapunzel waiting in the castle for someone else to rescue you and give you exactly, miraculously, what you want? Do not wait! Do not hesitate! Love freely. Give freely. But remember yourself.

Remember that you can travel all over the world but nobody deserves your love as much as you. Be involved with your families and friends and give with a full heart. But remember when to draw the line on the giving. Remember that you can also shower all that love and attention on your very own self.

Reminder to everybody: Please send me your scribbles from your writing exercise from my blog post here – about using our writing to peer into our lives and our souls — in the comment box and I’ll be posting them on Friday!

Posted in How to Change Your Life, Other people and us, Relationships, Self-care | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments

The Case of the Missing Towels

Posted on April 8, 2012 by dianabletter

Remember my friend, Lily? She’s the one who taught me the lesson that “anything worth doing is worth doing badly.” (If you want to read that post, it’s here.) All Lily wanted was new towels.Her boyfriend has ripped, stained, faded, shredded towels. And he can afford to buy a dozen – if not two dozen – new ones.

Lily dropped hints. “Wouldn’t it be nice to step out of the shower and have a new towel to dry myself off with…?”

She sang: “I’m dreaming of a hydro-cotton bath towel…”

She complained to me: “I bought him a beautiful watch and all I wanted was a couple of lousy towels…”

How often do we expect other people to take care of us? We think we’ve made a deal: I’ll take care of them so they’ll take care of us. We think that if we anticipate someone else’s needs, they’ll do the same for us.

But the deal was never signed. The agreement was never said out-loud. We have expectations of what we hope will happen but they are only that – our expectations. Nobody can read our minds. And, more importantly, nobody can take care of us as well as we can take care of ourselves.

“Lily,” I said to her when she was grousing — again — about the towel situation. “I have an idea. Why don’t you just buy the silly towels?”

“But I want him to buy them for me,” she said.

Ah, so there’s the rub. (Pardon the towel pun – I couldn’t resist.)

“It doesn’t prove he loves you any less if you have to buy them for yourself,” I said. “And then you can get exactly what kind you want.”

I’m learning that I can wait and wait for someone to take care of me or I can take care of myself. And that’s the best kind of loving around.

NEWS FLASH: Lily bought the towels.  Big, white and fluffy. Just what she dreamed of.

Ask yourself: Is there something you want that you’re still waiting for someone else to get you? It could be something small – like a bouquet of Gerber daisies – or hiring a babysitter for a few hours so you have some free time for yourself. Smoky the Bear says: Only you can prevent the forest fires of expectations from burning a hole in your soul!

Coming up on Tuesday: my interview with Chevalier Noah Klieger – or, in plain English Knight Noah Klieger who was knighted a few weeks ago and talks about being a hero in life.

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Why It’s Important To Write, Write, Write And Write Some More

Posted on April 6, 2012 by dianabletter

I was reading Steve Almond’s essay in The New York Times about why writing workshops are so successful. Instead of going to talk therapy – where people talk their stories – they are going to writing classes where they write their stories. Because, as Pico Iyer said, “Writing is, in the end, that oddest of anomalies: an intimate letter to a stranger.”

I write to reach my readers, most of whom are strangers. And I also write to get to know myself. I can look in the mirror to see my face but I look at the words I’ve written down and I see my soul. That is the deepest of visions. That is why writing is so profound.

Some might argue that it’s silly, all this scribbling. What is the point, exactly, of getting to know the deepest part of ourselves? Because if we want to live our best lives, then we have to understand who we really are so that we can become our best selves. And the only way to do that is to get down and dirty. To reveal as much as we can about ourselves so we know what makes us laugh, cry, smile and weep, what makes us want to throw a perfectly good ceramic dish against the wall in anger or fall down to our knees and cry out in pain. I’m thinking of Natalie Goldberg’s Writing Down the Bones who wrote that writing is what breaks your heart open “so deeply to a tenderness and softness toward myself and from that, a glowing compassion for all that is around me.”

Here’s an exercise: get a pen and paper (you should still have those things lying around somewhere) and then set a timer and give yourself five minutes to write down everything you love about your life right at this moment, right now. Here’s what I started to write: I am in love with the birds in the trees, singing as if they don’t know what death is…or they do know what death is and that makes them sing even louder and the leaves of the eucalyptus trees swaying in the breeze, the blue blue sky, the thin white clouds, the avocado I plan to eat for lunch and my third cup of coffee, running with my husband in the early dawn as the sun came up over the hills…

It is so good and powerful to appreciate the everyday moments of life. Then we are able to appreciate our lives and who we are right now. I can write out my heart knowing that life is short and the only way I can enlarge it and stretch out time is to write it all down, to embrace all that I have right here, right now, and all that I am.

Open invitation: Send your scribbles! I’ll be posting them next Friday.

Posted in Gratitude, Your Best Chapter | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Do You Like Your Apples In Wedges Or Slices?

Posted on April 4, 2012 by dianabletter

I was on a picnic with my friend, Joelle, the other day. She was cutting an apple into triangle wedges and offered me one. I joked that I preferred to cut my own apple and here was why: I like my apples cut into thin circular slices. We laughed and then talked about why it isn’t only the taste of the food we eat but its shape that matters. And what does that have to teach us about living our best chapter?

It isn’t just the taste we’re after. Ring Dings and Yodels have the same chocolate on the outside and the same vanilla cream inside. Yet one is a cylinder and one is round. Sometimes I feel like eating a Ring Ding and sometimes, I go for a Yodel. So why do we go for one and not the other?

Because — and this is a biggie — it isn’t only what we eat but how. And the what is sometimes overshadowed by the how. And the rules of food apply to every day life. How we tell people things that are important to us is just as crucial – if not more crucial – than what exactly we’re saying.

One rule before I speak is to try to ask myself the 3 W’s: What, Who and When. If I’m about to say something that might be misconstrued or taken poorly by someone else, I need to ask: Does it have to be said? Does it have to be said by me? Does it have to be said by me now? Often, I find the answer is no, no, and no again. I don’t need to say what I think I do. And often if I have a burning desire to “get things off my chest” or if I have to preface my remarks with “You’re not going to like what I’m going to say but…” then I know I’m treading in dangerous waters.

If I’m in a rush to speak, then I have to check my motives. Maybe there’s really something else that’s bothering me that I can figure out before I get into trouble. Maybe I should hold myself back. And if I think I’m about to hurt someone else or trigger an argument, then I better zip the lip. Moreover, if  I have to say, “I hate to be the one to tell you this but…” then I really should keep quiet. Any sentence that begins with, “I hate to be the one to tell you this but” is never good news. If you hate to be the one to say it, then don’t say it — unless it’s a bona fide, total emergency, like “I hate to be the one to say this but our house is burning down right now and if we don’t get out of the house then we’re going to die.” Otherwise, let someone else do the dirty work.

I like my carrots in sticks rather than circles, my red peppers in rings not strips and I like my pretzels twisted rather than straight. What about you? How do you like them apples? What are your strategies for knowing how — and when — to speak?

Posted in How to Change Your Life, Joelle's Adventures, Other people and us | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Just One More Knock Knock Joke

Posted on April 2, 2012 by dianabletter

Will you remember me in an hour?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a day?
Yes.

Will you remember me in a week?

Yes.

Will you remember me in a month?

Yes.

Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
I think you won’t.
Yes, I will.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
See? You’ve forgotten me already!

Here’s the thing about knock knock jokes. We think we’ve learned something and then we make the same mistake. We learn it again and then we make the same mistake for the third time. What’s that all about?

I have a friend who says it means we sometimes need to learn the same lesson on a deeper level. Often I “get it” in my head but it doesn’t really seep into the core of me. For instance, when I’m driving and my friend, Sam, is sitting next to me.

“There’s a slow car coming up, pass him!” Or, “You have plenty of time to make the light—just go!” When I get upset, Sam asks, “What’s your problem? I’m just helping you! I’m like a co-pilot!”

What happens, however, is that if I don’t drive the speed he thinks I should be driving or if I don’t anticipate what he thinks I should be doing then he makes a comment. And then I stop focusing on my driving and start focusing on his next remark. I get more and more tangled in my head and the mood in the car turns sour.

But the problem isn’t him – it’s me.

If I suffer from his comments, then it’s my problem. And if my problem is another person’s behavior, then I’ll never find a solution until I accept that there isn’t a blessed thing I can do to change someone else.

The problem might be the other person’s behavior like in yesterday’s post when Chuck was always late to meet my daughter. Yes, it’s rude and wrong and disrespectful to be late but Chuck won’t start to arrive on time just because somebody else wants him to.

It’s like Larry David. I love “Curb Your Enthusiasm” because it shows that no matter how many people think Larry acts like a jerk, Larry isn’t going to change. According to his logic, he is right and everyone else is wrong. His friends have three choices: either accept him, suffer from his behavior, or decide not to have anything to do with him.

We always have options. As hard as it is, we can still choose different responses. I still get angry that he’s acting the same way but the truth is — and this is harder to take — I’m still reacting the same way. I always forget that; sometimes I have to learn it again and again.

The knock knock joke reminds me that if I expect someone else to be knocking on my door then the joke’s on me.

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