Tool For Tuesday: Finding Happiness Even When Those You Love Are Stuck.

I got an email from an acquaintance who wrote, “I am struggling with my relationship with my mother and I’ve been starting to suspect it might be affecting my relationships with others too…My mother is an alcoholic; I no longer stay with her when I visit my hometown, we just eat lunch together. That way I see her drink, but I don’t see her drunk. I also only talk to her on the phone in the morning, never in the afternoon or evening. These things make our relationship easier for me. These rules make perfect sense when I am away from her and talking to people who understand the effects of alcoholism on the lives of others, but can make me seem to myself like a crazy selfish person when I am with her.”

Well, today’s tool for Tuesday is this: our early relationships with the primary people in our lives reverberate again and again on our current relationships. We might marry people who are the opposite of our parents, thinking it will be better; or we might marry people who are the same as our parents, hoping we can heal a long ago hurt.

But the fact is, if we don’t go back and heal that original hurt, it will haunts us always, in all our relationships. I’ve heard some people say they don’t want to go back to the past; they lived through it once and don’t want to live through it again. But we need to–we absolutely must–revisit the original scene of the crime; if not, we are condemned to repeat it unconsciously.

As for thinking you’re selfish, wrong! What you are doing is not selfishness; it’s self-preservation. We have every right to choose not to be around people who makes us feel uncomfortable, even if those people are our parents or spouses or children. Even if they insist that we are rotten and selfish. Or they accuse us of not loving them, of not caring. Or they get angry because we are healthier and happier than they are.

We have the right to heal ourselves even if those around us, those we love the most, refuse to get better. We don’t have to get pulled down into the darkness with them. We have to help ourselves even if the people we love don’t make it. We don’t have to get sick with physical symptoms instead of getting better.

I know a woman who developed severe scoliosis in her spine so by the time she was 50, she looked crumpled and withered as an 80-year-old. Of course, lots of people have scoliosis. But in her, it seemed like her ambivalent feelings for her parents were so intense and so forbidden that they rooted themselves in her body. I know another woman married to an alcoholic who just withered away from his disease. Physical symptoms sometimes reflect emotional problems. Those of us who are codependent often seem unable to detach ourselves enough from people we love to get better. (See my post on that subject here.)

Remember, we do not have to abandon ourselves out of fear that someone will abandon us. We don’t have to do anything that is not in our best interest to try to please someone else. Act like you are the owner of a precious, valuable, priceless gem. That gem is you. Allow yourself to sparkle and shine even when those you love are stuck in darkness. 

For more information on the glittering Miss Israel 2013, check out my article in The Huffington Post.

 

 

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Tool For Tuesday: Don’t Jump Ahead. Just Do Today

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAIf we’re going through a difficult time right now, we can remind ourselves that we only have to do this one day. We don’t have to—we can’t—tackle all our life’s challenges right now. We only have today to deal with.

If a door opens, that’s the door we’re meant to walk through. We will be given all the strength we need to go through the steps we have to take today.

Tool For Tuesday: If I am worried and full of fear, I will remember that I just have to do today. I can do whatever I have to do today—it’s not something I have to do for the rest of my life.

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Tool For Tuesday: Want Joy? Practice These 11 Really, Incredibly Simple Things Every Day

Even Happy is happy being who he is

11 Really Simple Things To Do Each Day

Ah-hah, voila, presto! It really is easier than we think to make this day a great page in our best chapter of life.

1. We can start our day with Please. Please let this day be a good one.

2. We can try to be pleasant with everyone. No exceptions.

3. We can go out of our way to do a good deed or be kind to someone today.

4. We can demonstrate gratitude in our lives.

5. We can totally, absolutely, unequivocally reject resentment of any kind (whether we think the resentment is justified or not).

6. We can stop thinking the PLOMS. (That’s Poor Little Old Me!)

7. We can keep away from indulging in our favorite negative behavior–just for today.(See the Wall Street Journal article on the best way to change a relationship.)

8. We can choose not to chill with someone who likes to share misery and stories of “ain’t it awful,” and instead, we can stick with people who search for solutions.

9. We can resist the temptation to criticize or gossip.

10. We can remember why we want to achieve our goals—the how will take care of itself.

11. We can end our day with Thanks!

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Writer Dora Levy Mossanen: On Novels and Tapping Into Our Own Emotional Reservoir

Dora Levy Mossanen

Dora Levy Mossanen

I’m happy to welcome Dora Levy Mossanen, whose latest novel, just published on January 7, 2014 is Scent of Butterflies. She is also the author of the historical novels,  HaremCourtesan and The Last Romanov.

Diana: Your novels are all historical novels, set in exotic times and places. Your novel, Harem, introduces readers to the intriguing world of the Jewish quarter in Persia. In Courtesan, we read about Belle époque France and the closed domain of women in 19th-century Persia. The Last Romanov is set in the royal court during the final days of the Tsar. Your latest novel, Scent of Butterflies, a story of betrayal—and revenge—moves from Iran to Los Angeles. Can you tell us a bit about your research into some of your work?

Dora Levy Mossanen:  The process of research for each of my books has been entirely different.  Not only because each novel takes place in a different era, but also due to the internet that has made it possible to virtually stroll through the labyrinths of Tehran after the Islamic revolution, explore an imperial palace in St. Petersburg, or riffle through the sumptuous wardrobe of a courtesan, all without stepping out of your home.  For example, years ago, for my research for Harem, which by the way has been translated into Hebrew, I spent long hours in my public library, poring over books and newspapers to learn about harems and poisons and eunuchs, and so much more.  For Courtesan, I traveled to Paris for a six-week course in the Bel Époque.  But by the time I began writing The Last Romanov, technology had come so far, it was as if I was living with the Imperial Family, albeit virtually, snooping through their intimate quarters, eavesdropping on their conversations, becoming privy to their likes and dislikes, their characters, every juicy morsel of gossip online for the taking.

With Scent of Butterflies, my most contemporary and most personal novel, my research took me on an entirely different path.  First, this is a period I’ve lived through and experienced firsthand, so memories play a big role here.  Second, this book took me so many years to write that my research started in libraries and continued online.  And as I did so, the Iranian political background after the 1979 Islamic Revolution, which plays an important role in Scent of Butterflies, kept on changing so that I was involved in an ongoing and seemingly endless research.  This was also a time when I was experiencing a major cultural shock and my personal life appeared to be turning upside down.  So, it required a different kind of research, tapping into my own emotional reservoir to create the gloriously unraveling Soraya, who possesses the courage to take revenge in ways some of us long for but never dare.

Diana: You were born in Israel, moved to Iran, then to the USA after the overthrow of the Shah, making English your—what?—third language? How has the change of countries impacted your writing and language?

Dora Levy Mossanen:  Yes, you are rightl.  English is my third language. I was born in Israel and moved to Iran with my family.  At the time, I only spoke Hebrew.  It was a traumatic move for a nine-year-old, who had lived in Israel, a country that respects children and allows them their own voice. To add to my misery, we happened to enter Tehran at the most unfortunate time: the week of the 1953 coup d’état of Dr. Mosaddegh, when the entire city appeared to be on fire.  Despite all the early hardships, I was lucky to have an invaluable source of knowledge and history right next to me—my late grandfather, Dr. Habib Levy, a renowned historian, who introduced me to Mahaleh, the Jewish Quarter, spoke of being the shah’s dentist, and the many dangers of being Jewish in a Moslem country.  My late father, Sion Levy, who had fought in the Israel War of Independence, shared his own dramatic experiences, adding to my ever-growing repertoire of invaluable information.

Then, the 1979 Islamic Revolution disrupted my life again.  I was forced to leave Iran for America—a different culture, another set of expectations, another country to learn about and adjust to.  This time with two kids in tow.  So, the answer to your question is that, although I didn’t know it at the time, I kept on filing and hoarding the valuable information I witnessed and experienced in the amalgam of cultures I lived in, unaware how important they’ll become one day and how they’ll find their way into every single one of my books.

Diana: You write in Courtesan that women “who were denied any voice…became the voice of freedom and self-expression.” Does that idea resonate with today’s women’s fiction writers who are examining the interior life of women?

Dora Levy Mossanen:  I can’t speak for all writers, but I can say with certainty that, having lived in Iran, a country that continues to deny women their rightful voice, compels me to create female characters that have no qualms about taking matters into their own hands and expressing themselves loud and clear.  Look at Soraya in Scent of Butterflies.  She is a wonderful example!  Her husband has betrayed her.  The mullahs demand that she cover herself from head to toe, conceal her femininity, not wear makeup, stay home and cater to her man’s needs.  She meets a mullah on the plane on her way to Los Angeles.  Does she hide under her headscarf and dark overcoat, accepting the injustice of it all?  No!  Not Soraya.

Diana: Can you tell us a bit about your writing style? What are some rules you follow for your writing? Do you write an outline? Did you know the end of your novel before you got there? And what are you working on now?

Dora Levy Mossanen: I’ve always envied writers, who say they get up in the morning and step into their writing cave, cut out all outside communication, and write for so many hours.  Perhaps being a wife, mother and grandmother makes it difficult to cut all communications with the outside world, even for an hour.  Or maybe having lived for so many years in Iran, a country that was constantly on the brink of some political disaster, I still think that it might be foolish to isolate myself from the outside world, even if temporarily.  So, the way I’ve learned to balance life and writing is to get up in the morning, workout for an hour, have my coffee, and sit in front of the computers with the intention of writing a good eight hours until my brain is fried and unable to produce another coherent word.  Sometimes I’m successful.  More often than not, life and family and what not pull me away from the computer.  But, I’m lucky enough to possess the ability to refocus after an interruption and pick up where I left, write, even if in short increments of time, even if for half an hour, if that’s all that day will allow.  But the joy of having a full day of uninterrupted work is incomparable!

I never have an outline for my novels and never know where my stories are going and how they will end.  It’s amazing how often the beginning of my novel might end up being the end or visa versa.  I like the element of surprise; not knowing what turns and twists my story might take.  What I start with is one fully developed character to whose signals I’m acutely sensitive.  Well, most of the time.  Sometimes I need to take hold of the reins and coax one or another of my characters away from their intended path.  More often than not, I corner them into an impossibly dramatic situation, making life difficult for all involved.

Strange this process of creating, isn’t it?

I’m working on my fifth novel, which takes place in the 1940s in Iran during World War II.  It’s the story of a dentist who introduces Novocain to the country.  But his success and fame proves to be a curse.  The powerful Director General, who has become dependent on the doctor to take care of his rotting teeth, refuses to allow the doctor to travel to Israel, Palestine at the time, to have his daughter’s eyes checked by a retina specialist.  Until… Well, until the Director General’s beautiful wife and the kind eunuch, Tulip, step in.  Stay tuned.

Diana: Finally, www.thebestchapter.com explores how to write your best chapter and also how to live your best chapter each day in the story of your life.  You have a family and, I would guess you cook mouth-watering Persian dishes (or at least, you get to eat them!) What are some of the things you do to take care of yourself each day?

Dora Levy Mossanen:  Yes, I do cook Persian food, although not as often as I used to because there’s simply not enough time.  Most of my cooking takes place on Fridays for Shabbat dinners when everyone in the family, from the small kids to the great grandparents, look forward to shedding the week’s workload and welcoming a day of rest.  As for how I take care of myself, there are a number of things I do everyday that are sacrosanct.  Working out in the morning.  Starting my daily writing with the ritual of brewing tea and enjoying some chocolate to encourage feel-good endorphins.  And then again, when I’m done with work, I go through another ritual to slow down my mind, which requires taking my time to close all the open files on my computer, the internet, mail, etc. and eventually the computer itself. After that, nothing beats cuddling up with a book…

Thank you so much for joining us!

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Tool For Tuesday: Pick Your Word for 2014

My unofficially adopted daughter Degetu's new baby boy, Omer.

My unofficially adopted daughter Degetu’s new baby boy, Omer.

My word for 2014 (drum roll, please) is DIRECTION.

Taking direction, not giving direction to anyone but myself. Knowing my direction and taking the steps necessary to reach my destination.

It’s important to have direction. To know where we’re going. Hey, you know why Moses led the Jews wandering around the desert for 40 years? Because he didn’t want to ask for directions.

But I’ve learned I can ask for help and directions. I can admit I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t have to isolate out of shame. I can welcome myself to the human race.

I can have what is called Good Orderly Direction (doesn’t take much to guess what the acronym spells).

If you are faced with a troubling crisis, health issue, critical life changes…if you’re unsure and frightened, then pick a word to anchor you. Something to focus on when you’re jittery and frazzled inside.

Here are some words that have been chosen by friends:

My friend, Melody: KINDNESS. “Kindness to others, and to myself. Kindness as my religion, as the Dalai Lamai says. Kindness as a gateway to humility (“better to be kind than right” is a saying I don’t always remember but want to).

Kindness as one of the acid tests before speaking: Is it true? Kind? Necessary?

Kindness to remember that everyone is struggling, and also that everyone carries a spark of the divine. If you look into their eyes, you’ll see it.

Other friends have chosen: POWERFUL, JOY and ACCEPTANCE.

My word for 2013 was PRESENCE.

Being aware of presence of mind, the presents in our presence. There were times when I was with people and found myself wandering and that was when I reminded myself to stay present. To be here now.

Send in your words and your reasons and I’ll print them. Learning how to make this our best chapter means finding that one word to keep us centered when we go off-direction.

Tool For Tuesday: Pick your word, something to focus on when you’re lost in the storm.

Posted in Acceptance, Being a Hero In Your Life, Self-Talk, Tool For Tuesday | Tagged , , , | 9 Comments

Are Ya Doing Your Life’s Homework Assignments?

I want to share a story a friend told me. She’s been down in the dumps for a while and on New Year’s Eve, she held an 8-month-old baby born to a drug-addicted woman. My friend wrote me, “I held this baby, humming to her and watching her drift off to sleep…It really moved me to realize that as the ball dropped I was gazing at this beautiful child who started 2014 in tremendous pain through no fault of her own and by the grace of God found a new start…”

The people who cross our path are there for a reason. My friend held that baby and learned a spiritual lesson. We don’t always understand the boulders we’re meant to carry, the fjords we’re meant to cross, the mountains we must climb.

And like that little baby, we’ll all have our share of sorrows and challenges. Maybe not that extreme, of course, but we each have ups and downs: they’re part of our life’s story. It’s up to us to find a way to see the spiritual lessons within each experience. That’s our homework. There are no shortcuts to feeling better. But every day, we can do one thing to take care of ourselves, just like my friend comforted that little baby.

Being aware and trying to live our lives as fully as possible is our daily assignment.

 

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Tool For Tuesday: Toss Out the New Year’s Resolution.

Toss out that New Year’s Resolution. Start with today. What can we do for ourselves today?

There are 525,600 minutes in the coming year. As my friend, John Chancellor, points out on his blog, we can set aside 10 minutes each morning—just 10 minutes—to focus on our day and what we want to accomplish.

We can’t change the whole world in 10 minutes, but we can focus on altering one small behavior that does change our world.

Things we can do each day:

We can get stronger, more centered, quieter.

We don’t have to explain our decisions or defend ourselves if someone doesn’t like what we decide. Above all, we don’t have to complain. Complaining means sitting in that boat of misery and finding someone to share the “aint it awful” stories. We can find someone who will help us focus on what we can do to make things better.

Each day, we can accomplish the 4 Fundamentals: Taking care of ourselves emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually.

We can be content with the smaller, less glittery prizes in life. (Because those are the things that endure.)

We can keep gratitude in our attitude for what we have and what we had until we lost it. And we can remember that love never dies; it’s just transformed.

Happy and healthy 2014.

Oh, speaking of happy, I got a great review on amazon about The Mom Who Took Off On Her Motorcycle:

“Diana Bletter has written a masterpiece !! Ok I am a 46 year old guy who has ridden Motorcycles all of my life, I have had my own adventures in the Yukon… So why couldn’t I put this book down ? Diana has a story within an adventure, and as I read it I felt as though I was part of the journey !! It was certainly not what I expected when I purchased the book… but it turned out to be so much more !! –Brian Drake

So, if you haven’t had a chance to leave a customer review on amazon, please do so! Just click on “Create Your Own Review” under the book title. It means a lot to me and helps so much with book placement. I thank you in advance!

How do we live our best chapter? As Martha Washington said, “I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition.”

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/marthawash160612.html#09v2IrFiSmWmHIHW.99

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Phyllis Chesler: On a Writer’s Dilemma, An American Bride in Kabul and the New Anti-Semitism

PHYLLIS CHESLER, Photo by Joan Roth

PHYLLIS CHESLER, Photo by Joan Roth

I’m honored to post this interview with Phyllis Chesler, writer, early feminist activist and leader, and psychotherapist whose first book, Women and Madness, was one of the first to address the mistreatment of women in the mental health field. Her latest book is a memoir, An American Bride in Kabul, about her marriage to an Afghan man. Upon her arrival in Afghanistan in 1961, Afghan authorities seized her American passport, and Chesler found herself trapped as the property of her husband’s polygamous family, without an ally and without any rights…

Diana: How was writing your memoir, An American Bride in Kabul, different for you than writing your scholarly books?

Phyllis Chesler: I read at least 500 books and thousands of articles for An American Bride in Kabul, maybe more, books about Afghanistan, little-known autobiographies and novels by Afghans, memoirs by Muslim feminists and dissidents, narratives by and about the Jews of Islam, memoirs by travelers and adventurers to the Islamic world over three centuries. Such reading is par for my course. However, I also went back and read my own diary from the early 1960s; a transcript of an interview that I conducted with my Afghan husband when he came back to America just before the Soviet invasion; and I looked at old photographs and memorabilia—something that I don’t do for an academic work. I also had to weigh and measure how I would present certain things, what tone to adopt, how to tell the truth and yet retain balance and compassion.

Diana: You write that you are married to your writing and ironically, that life as a woman in Afghanistan—that isolation—is like being a writer! Can you describe that?

Phyllis Chesler: I write every day, it is how I breathe. I write for as long as I can, I often exhaust myself and am only capable of watching a television program and of minimal, hardly sparkling conversation. But, if I am in the midst of writing a book, I may spend my evenings reading the relevant books still unread. Sometimes, I go out into the world. I write wearing a caftan. I write at home—even though I have a writing studio in the same building. Proust had the right idea. He wrote in a cork-lined room for many years. The world does have a way of interfering with the artist’s concentration and ability to re-imagine and capture that very world.

Diana: You write about the new anti-Semitism. The left—including feminists and the lesbiangay-transgender-bisexual community—have become some of the loudest voices against Israel. Can you describe this seemingly paradoxical left-Islamic alliance?

Phyllis Chesler: Ah, that question. Over the years, I have written a number of articles about this. They are archived at my website, www.phyllis-chesler.com. Some of this behavior is utterly irrational and death-oriented…It is trendy to demonize the Jewish state, one makes friends, one gets published, one gets funded. Thus, some of this is mere opportunism and lack of courage to go up against the oldest racism in the world. The American and European Left and feminist and gay movements have made a marriage in Hell with Islamist terrorists. The same Left has now fatefully joined the world Jihadic chorus in calling for the end to “racist” Zionism and to the Jewish Apartheid and the “Nazi” state. They do not want to understand that Islam, not Israel, is the largest practitioner of both gender and religious apartheid in the world.

Diana: You write about your ex-husband who’ve you still maintained a relationship with after all these years. You write eloquently of a writer’s dilemma, exposing and hurting people we love. Would you explain more about this.

Phyllis Chesler: It is very dangerous to have a writer in your family. We observe things that are meant to be kept secret or considered shameful and then we write about them for all the world to see. I called my Afghan husband when the book was about to go into production and told him about it. He did not ask to see it. He has never commented on anything that I’ve written. That was our last conversation to date. At some point, I am sure we will speak. But he may never mention this book.

Diana: Finally, www.thebestchapter.com explores how to write your best chapter and also how to live your best chapter each day in the story of your life.  What are some things you manage to do to take care of yourself each day?

Phyllis Chesler: I try to have a massage every week. I have a manicure and pedicure at least twice a month. I work with a physical therapist every week as well. (I would be lying if I called him my “trainer.”) As one ages, one discovers that indeed, none of us have been built to last, that our infra-structure is not immortal. The truth is: I hate every minute away from my work of reading and writing and thinking and talking to people with whom I work, but even I have learned that I must take care of the mortal frame, the Temple in which our soul is housed.

Thank you so much, Phyllis!

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Tool For Tuesday: 5 Tips on Building Self-Esteem

My friend, Erika–the one who asked me, “How do you stop the pain of being alive?” — asked me another question, “How do you build self-esteem?”

“Well, what do you feel like?”

“Like I’m 6 years old.”

“And what do you need as a 6-year-old?”

“A lot of love.”

Right, so start from there. How do you love yourself? Here are a few simple things.

1. Get a comforting thing. I know it sounds weird and embarrassing but go into a kids’ store and buy a blanket or a stuffed animal that speaks to this little kid who is scared and unloved. Maybe you feel you didn’t get enough mothering – now is your time to mother yourself.

“But that’s self-indulgent!” Valerie said.

“Whose voice is that? Probably the same voice that didn’t hug you much for fear of “spoiling” you or wanting you to grow up tough. We’re never too old to mother ourselves.

2. Remember that building self-esteem can’t be done overnight. It’s a daily goal. Positive acts build self-esteem. If you’re a parent, that means congratulating your kids for simple acts done well. It means doing positive acts for you. What’s a positive act? A candle-lit bath, flowers, a walk, taking time to talk to a friend, cooking something healthy for dinner–even dinner for uno.

3. We learn about ourselves in small illuminations. All at once would blind us. We can enjoy the insights we learn about ourselves each day and be patient. More insights will follow. We can’t do an immediate 180-change on ourselves over the weekend. But every day we can do something for ourselves to build our self-esteem.

4. Thoughts count. What we think we become. Every time we catch ourselves thinking a negative thought, hit the channel clicker and change thoughts. Feeling resentful about someone? Pray for their health, happiness and prosperity – the same things you pray for yourself and your loved ones. (I know this is a hard one when we feel so angry at someone and don’t even want to spend time thinking about him. But no excuse! It doesn’t matter who. We still gotta pray for ’em.) Feeling scared? Replace that four-letter word fear with that five-letter word, faith. Believe in the unbelievable good for yourself.

5. Get a journal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Valerie did not like that one. She felt she had to write perfectly with her best handwriting. But journals are meant to go unread. I have written hundreds of them and then burned them. They are only for ourselves. Prayer, rants, hopes, dreams. Get it all out from your heart and soul through your hand. It works.

Tool For Tuesday: We can’t do an immediate 180-change on ourselves over the weekend. But every day we can do something for ourselves to build our self-esteem.

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Tool for Tuesday: The Willingness To Accept Changes in Our Lives

Amalia, left, with Libby, right, as they hiked from the south to the north of Israel, Spring 2013

Amalia, left, with Libby, right, as they hiked from the south to the north of Israel, Spring 2013

Tomorrow is my daughter Amalia’s birthday. I was reading an old journal and found notes from this time, 1989, in which I wrote, “Fear of baby#3!!!” I already had two sons, aged 4 and 2. Yikes! (This was nothing – 17 months after Amalia came Libby and then I added 2 step-kids!) But I didn’t know that then.

Knowing we’re going to have to make a change is truly frightening—but sometimes, these changes push us in a direction we never thought possible. The changes force us to dig in and be our truest, strongest selves. We learn to rely on our friends. New people miraculously appear in our lives. We plug into the hidden, buzzing strength of the universe.

There are many days when we still have to be our own cheerleaders and push ourselves forward. There are some changes that are filled with sorrow – like the loss of a loved one. But time moves ahead and as my mother said right before she died, “All good things must come to an end.” We can take comfort in knowing that the bad things come to an end, too.

If I know a change is headed my way, I will trust that it’s right for me. I might greet it kicking and fighting. But things in our lives are going to change whether we want them to or not. I might not like these changes but I will try to open my heart and to be willing to try to accept those changes as part of my life’s journey. The changes might not bring us happiness but accepting them will bring a measure of peace in our hearts.

Tool for Tuesday: Changes in life are inevitable. Let me be willing to move from kicking and screaming to accepting those changes as part of my spiritual homework.

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