7 Sure Ways to Change the World Over the Weekend

Posted on July 29, 2012 by dianabletter

 

On the side of the road in the Matanuska Valley, Alaska, Photo: Diana Bletter

Yes, there are 7 sure ways to change the world over the weekend. Not talking about the big world, I’m talking about your world. The world around you, which is the only world we have.

  1. When you open your eyes, don’t say, “Oh God it’s morning…” I used to say that. I’d grumble and grouse and grit my teeth. Now I can say, “Thank God it’s morning.” It’s morning, not mourning, and if you are mourning then I send you the hope that you are moving through the darkness toward the light.
  2. Brush your teeth. If you need an appointment for a dentist, write it in your calendar to make one on Monday morning. Monday morning is the best time to realize you changed your world over the weekend.
  3. Have a plan. If you’re overwhelmed, break your plan down into an hour-by-hour deal. If that’s too long, give yourself 15 minutes at every chore. Think about your day in 15 minutes and you’ll get through this. You can do this, live your life, one minute at a time.
  4. Exercise. Even if it’s raining out, steaming out, scorching out. Get out. Look at a tree. Look at a cloud.
  5. Don’t isolate. Don’t keep hiding in the dark. Don’t say that nobody will understand what you’re going through. Most of us have been there, done that. Call or write someone. Make sure your voice is heard. Speak your truth outloud.
  6.  Eat something orange. Orange food – and I’m not talking Cheese Doodles – gives us a boost.
  7. Finally, read and listen to something that will inspire you. Music is the universe humming in your ears. Prayers are soothing messages for our soul.

We can’t change the world over the weekend, not really, but we can do the little things in our own lives that really can change our world.

Hit Like if you think we can change our world over the weekend.

Posted in How to Change Your Life, Self-care, Self-Talk, Your Best Chapter | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

The 6 – 1 People You Need In Your Corner

Posted on July 26, 2012 by dianabletter

Postcard of CornellUniversityCheerleader1906 Cheerleading (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

6 – 1

 

Great blog post in Forbes on the 6 People you need in your corner to accomplish your goals. Jessica Hagy said they were: The Instigater, the Cheerleader, the Taskmasker, the Connector and the Example and the Doubter.

Of course, we want someone who pushes us to start a project (the Instigator), the Cheerleader to cheer us on, the Taskmasker so that we don’t flag from our work, the Connector to serve as matchmaker and Introducer and the Example. Nothing beats knowing someone who doesn’t just talk the talk but walks the talk – who is a personal example of all that is strong, good and honest.

I have my doubts about the Doubter, however. Hagy argues that’s the person who plays devil’s advocate and asks the hard questions. I would call that person the realist–the one who asks why you keep agreeing to drive your kid to school after he keeps missing the bus.

I want to be around someone who asks forthright questions, who pulls the curtain over my eyes when I slip into denial, and who pushes me forward even when I doubt myself. That’s what I want! Someone to help me doubt my own doubts about myself and my capabilities. So, the five people you definitely need are the: The Instigater, the Cheerleader, the Taskmasker, the Connector and the Example. And the Anti-Doubter, the one who tells you not to listen to that doubting voice inside yourself.

If you want to change your life, change the people in your corner. Add new ones! Stay away from the ones who are pulling you down and find ones who push you on.

For your best chapter, which person is the most important to you? Take a vote!

Posted in Being a Hero In Your Life, How to Change Your Life, Other people and us, Relationships, Self-care | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Apple Can Fall Far From The Tree

Posted on July 25, 2012 by dianabletter

Yesterday I wrote my Tool for Tuesday: It’s Your Own Fault. That post reminds us all that blame keeps us wallowing in the past. It is impossible to move forward when we keep replaying the lament about what we didn’t get from our parents.

But today’s post is the opposite message. Think of the expression, The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

You’re the apple. Your family is the tree. If your family tree sick and hurtful and miserable and anger and bitter…If people in your family shame you and blame you and name you as selfish and rotten, if they tell you that their problems are your fault, and if you only did this or if you only did that…if they don’t want you to live a happy and healthy life without taking care of them…Well, then fall as far from the tree as possible.

Fall far and keep rolling. You don’t have to stick around, even if they tell you that blood is thicker than water, that you have a family obligation, that you’re a terrible child, a terrible person. You don’t have to keep staying stuck in an attempt to make other people feel better.

If you choose a different life from your family, you don’t have to be an apple lying at the root of a sick tree.

Choose a different life for yourself. Write a different ending to your story. You can live your best chapter even if those you love remain stuck.

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Tool For Tuesday: It’s Your Own Fault

Posted on July 24, 2012 by dianabletter

Joelle’s daughter is 23 and she’s been in therapy for the past year, blaming Joelle for everything from her big feet to her bad posture, her unhappiness and her lackluster love life. Joelle’s been footing (pardon the pun) the bill and yesterday she realized she didn’t want to keep paying for Madison to complain to a therapist about what a lousy job she did as a mother.

“I did the best I could,” Joelle said. “I really tried hard. No parent is perfect. It’s time for her to stop throwing blame around and start living her life.”

Madison said she was screwed – she got big feet AND she’s not tall – but Joelle said it’s time for her daughter to stop wallowing in self-pity, accept who she is, and get busy living her life. We all have to take responsibility for our lives.

Yes, there are far too many parents who do horrific things to their children. And yes, it takes years for children to heal. Sometimes they can’t. Sometimes they don’t. But there’s a big difference between don’t and won’t.

This is who we are. This is what we’ve been given. This is our only chance — right here, right now — to live our life. We don’t get a do-over on our childhood. All we can do is climb that tree, jump in this lake, re-read Harriet the Spy, volunteer with disadvantaged kids and give them what we might not have had.

We have the power. We can either stay stuck rehashing how our parents did us wrong or start to live. What about you? When did you realize that sometimes it’s your own fault?

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Sitting Through the Discomfort

Posted on July 23, 2012 by dianabletter

July 23, 2012

Joelle’s turn today. You remember her–she always jokes that she has a bad case of “Tongue Fu.” (I wrote about that here.) She went out for her mother’s birthday the other night. A loooonnnng dinner at a Chinese restaurant. Big Mistake. Joelle’s kids are all young kids. What regular kid can sit in a restaurant without wanting to get up 58 times during the meal, get antsy, get bored, get like a…kid?

Joelle’s Mom and sister got mad at her for not being able to control her kids, however. Joelle realized that they shouldn’t have to be in a restaurant for 2 hours at the end of the day and be expected to sit politely.

“If I had said to my mom originally, ‘I would love to be with you on your b-day but a restaurant like that would be a stressful situtation for me’,” Joelle said. “Or, I could have said, ‘you know I would love to be with you. Why don’t the grown-ups all go out to eat or why don’t we order in…? Or why don’t we go to a sports place with TV’s? Or… ‘It’s not going to work for us. We love you , have a blast and we will meet up another time.’”

She didn’t do it this time, but maybe next time she’ll be ready. The point is that we have to get to the point when we can sit with the discomfort that comes when we think someone is angry at us. And that’s hard to do. Because we think that if people are angry at us then they don’t love us –and that means they’ve abandoned us because we’re unlovable.

Today we can remember that we can sit through the discomfort we might feel when someone we love is angry at us.

It doesn’t mean that we’re not loved. It just means that we might not be doing exactly what they wanted us to do.

I’m happy that Joelle shared this with me. As Melody Beattie said here, “…there is magic in a group – even if the group meets online.  Sharing the question and the answer on the forum means others get to learn from the answer too.”

What are other strategies you use to get out of things you don’t want to do? And how do you deal with feeling that people you love are angry at you?

Posted in Joelle's Adventures, Other people and us, Relationships, Self-care | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Connecting the Dots

Posted on July 22, 2012 by dianabletter

My friend Lily—who asked, “To buy…or not to buy my own towels for my boyfriend’s house here—posed another challenge yesterday about connecting the dots. She said that she wants to make sure she connects the dots with her boyfriend–not too early but not too late.

“I can’t wait too long to decide whether to break up with him or not because I don’t want to invest so much time,” Lily confessed. “But I don’t want to make a decision too rushed. I am really trying to connect the dots.”

She wants to take in the information but she wants to make sure sees everything so she can connect the dots. She has to come out of denial and see clearly–but not assume too much.

Which brings me to a link on Ido Lanuel’s fascinating blog on our minds. Often we don’t have to wait too long to connect the dots – our minds form pictures using only partial information. But it’s a line between seeing too little and seeing too much.

Be like a Zen warrior, I told her. Wait. Observe. See everything. See clear as a whale in murky waters. See like an owl into the darkness. Breathe deep. Clear your mind. Think but don’t over-think. Be patient and you’ll get your answer. Then act when you are 100-percent sure. And then don’t look back.

Do you wait far too long until you have more and more information before you connect the dots? Or do you connect the dots too fast and assume too much?

What do you do to connect the dots in a timely manner?

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Quora Question: What Do You Do When Someone You Love is Depressed Or Sad?

Posted on July 20, 2012 by dianabletter

Found on Quora – a question and answer site, this question: What do you do when someone you love is depressed or sad?

There is nothing we can do but be quiet. Listen.

But there are 12 Things You can Do.

1. Ask, “What would be most helpful to you right now?”

2. Buy Gerber daisies.

3. Buy her a massage.

4. Take her for a hike up a mountain.

5. Ask her to give you her chore list.

6. Do her errands.

7. Pick up the dry cleaning.

8. Sit quietly.

9. Serve as a witness.

10. Radiate hope but not in an annoying way.

11. Pray for her.

12. Pray up. Pray hard. Pray deep. Pray that she will hack her way out of the swamps of despair.

You can’t talk or joke her way out of it. You can’t yank her out of it. Your love cannot save her. Only her love for herself can save her. We can’t offer happiness to anyone. It is not a gift that we can give. Be understanding but do not confuse pity with love. Pray again. And then wait some more.

What do you think? What have you done? What will you do?

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Rich Poor Guy, Poor Rich Guy, Part 2

Posted on July 19, 2012 by dianabletter

Danielle LaPorte wrote in her blog today, “There is no excuse for going hungry.  We are here to feast.”

Follow-up for yesterday’s blog: Are you a rich poor guy or a poor rich guy?

We don’t have to deprive ourselves to feel noble. Martin Luther King, Jr. wrote, “Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.”

That is true, but with a caveat. Unearned suffering means unjust, unfair, unwarranted. But the key is using that suffering for redemption. We can’t just sit back and moan. We have to take our suffering to a new level. Turn it into speech, song, art, dance. Redemption is when you take the pain you are in, however terrible it is, and transform it into something noble, good, beautiful.

“A thing of beauty is a joy forever,” wrote Keats. Turning our pain into art. Sitting at the banquet of sorrow and using it, somehow, to gain wisdom, strength, beauty.

“You have been the veterans of creative suffering,” King wrote. The key is creative. Find the pain and use it, use it, use it. Don’t let it use you. Don’t be a poor rich guy. Be a rich poor guy. A rich sad guy. A rich crippled guy. Take whatever you own and run with it, leap over it, burn it into beauty. Be a hero in your life today. Save yourself by turning your unearned suffering into some kind of grace and glory.

Posted in Being a Hero In Your Life, countering depression | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Are you a Rich Poor Guy or a Poor Rich Guy?

Posted on July 18, 2012 by dianabletter

There are two kinds: the rich poor guy and the poor rich guy. Which are you?

Some rich people act like they’re poor. One guy I know jams on the brakes and pulls his car over to pick up a penny he sees glimmering in the street. And he can afford to drive right over it. He’s the poor rich man. He thinks he’s poor and acts around the premise that he has to scrounge around.

Then there’s someone like my husband, Jonny. He’s what I’d call the rich poor man. Despite being parentless—and penniless—by the age of 20, he somehow managed to always have things he’s wanted. A Harley Davidson or two. A couple of big trips. And still put one or two kids through college. He has always been generous – to others as well as to himself. That’s the key. He might not have saved a lot for his retirement fund but he’s managed to live really well.

Take this test to find out which one are you:

Do you over-budget or over-spend?

Do you deprive yourself of the little things and splurge on the big things? Or do you splurge at the 99-cent store and have a hard time buying that new refrigerator – even though it leaks?

Do you spend time cutting coupons? Or do you blaze through the supermarket?

As Laura Vanderkam wrote in her blog here, “When we know how, exactly, money buys us happiness, we can make wiser choices about what we do with our money in general.”

It’s also important to consider what our habits are and then decide what to change.

Our attitude determines abundance. We can choose how we view our money and how we spend it. Not only what we spend it on but how we approach the purchase. With fear or with faith.

Being aware of how we spend our money is important because it reflects how we spend our thoughts.

Are you a poor rich guy or a rich poor guy?

Posted in Self-care, Self-Talk | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Filling Our Own Well

Posted on July 16, 2012 by dianabletter

My friend Carol always says, “We have to fill our own well.”

That is just like the link on Gretchen Rubin‘s Happiness Project blog. She wrote that we need to be emotionally self-sufficient to get closer to other people.

If we look to our friends, spouses, children, and even our children to fill our empty spaces, then all our relationships go awry. Then we become codependent on others and want them to do the inside work that we have to do ourselves.

To make this our best chapter, we need to fill our own wells. That means taking care of ourselves emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically each day.

 

Posted in Being a Hero In Your Life, How to Change Your Life, Your Best Chapter | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments